Unintended me

Not every day is good. Not every emotion during this process is healthy or motivating. I often call myself “cloyingly optimistic” but the fucking guy I saw in the mirror today did not have an optimistic expression. He looked weak. He looked small. He lacked promise. He had spent years of his life working for a goal he couldn’t achieve. I watched him grand stand about his strength while out with friends because he ate the healthiest options, only to see him eat in secret when the judgmental eyes of his support system were off of him. I have seen him eat until he felt worthless. I have listened to him come up with every excuse as to why he couldn’t increase his activity. I have heard him excuse away the wasting of his potential. I have watched him crave foods that he knew were killing him. I have watched him try to smash through barriers to his health that he easily could have stepped around.

I am not proud of him today. I am not sure I wish him well. He has every advantage, and nothing to show for it. He has information, and acts stupidly. I sometimes forget what he looks like, because he refuses to look in the mirror. A little secret, when he is unshaven, it’s because he doesn’t want to look in the mirror that day. He isn’t comfortable with the man looking back at him. I have seen him work out with his eyes closed, because the weight rooms mirrors mock him. The man watching him in the mirror, does not like him, and he knows it.

I’m told he is too hard on himself, but he is not at his goal. Is his self-loathing a mask? Does he say mean things about himself to beat others to judgement of him? Does he believe he is fooling anyone?

Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I look at my actions and patterns and feel disconnected. Like a stranger has power of attorney of my life. It isn’t an exaggeration. I have distracted myself in order to do things I knew were not in my best interest. Intellectual dishonesty makes hard things easy. Some days I don’t feel like being light hearted. I don’t feel funny today. I feel lost. Nothing even happened. I didn’t stray from building my habits. I didn’t skip the gym today. I played for hours in the pool with my kids. Nothing can explain today, other than sometimes I don’t feel like pretending I am ok with how out of control I have let myself become. The mocking tones and sideways glances I get at the gym aren’t real… I am projecting those thoughts and looks on to them. They are mirrors for my self-loathing.

I have received so many messages from people who have felt that I am too hard on myself. That I need to cut myself some slack. People are making excuses for me… as if excuses are something I have struggled to make for myself. While I appreciate  the support, and understand why people feel this, I need accountability. I don’t want to admit that I am being defeated. I don’t answer to a master that commands me to do things that hurt me. I answer to me. I need to let days like today happen, and not fight them. I need to let the feeling wash over me. Let the disappointment sink in.

I don't feel like the loser I saw in the mirror today. He is not me. He is someone I cant relate to. He has not acted in his own best interest. He has not loved himself enough to be disappointed in himself. He is silly. I don't even recognize him. I know his every move before he makes it, but I don't feel I know him at all. He is not who I intended. 

The man in the mirror today is not me. He is a man that I neglected for too long. 

Meth Prescription: Drastic Fat Requires Drastic Measures.

I think my doctor hates me. Hate is a strong word. Let us start again… I think my doctor hates me. Fuck it. The truth is the truth. He’s really nice to me, and accepts my appointments, and gives me great care. But I know he has no time for my antics. I told a story a few months ago about when he prescribed Testosterone replacement for me. He sat and tried to professionally tell me about why I needed the injections, what the lack of testosterone was doing to me, what to expect in terms of side effects… and all the while surfing in my sea of idiocy

                             “Will I get back acne?”

                             “Will I get ‘roid rage?”

                             “Will I grow beautiful jugs?”

                             “How glorious will my erections be?”

                             “Will I rip my house apart like Ben Affleck in that after school special?”

He simply looked at me and politely said “I don’t think you understand what is happening here”. And he went over the list of side effects and benefits for me again, knowing full well that the smile on my face was due to me imagining myself running the streets, punching out car windows, all while sporting the most awe inspiring erection, with my glorious bouncing cans (BTW, 2 months in, and I have yet to go on even one 'roid induced rampage… which is fucking bullshit). I know he thinks I did not notice how agitated and dejected he was by the end of our appointment, but HEY, I always notice his dejected and exhausted look.

During that appointment, he mentioned that I had another road block to health that I needed to monitor. I have a mutated MTHFR gene. Mutated? Gene? Of course this prompted more tomfoolery from me.

                             “Dr., are you telling me that I am a mother fucking Xmen?”

The silence produced by my question was deafening. After writing something in his note pad, which was probably mean spirited and would roundly be rejected by me, he eventually went on. He informed me that my body can’t process folic acid. He said that 1/3 of people suffer from this, all with different levels of impact… mostly related to the type of mutation. Apparently, I have a severe type, which means… fuck it, here is the professional explanation

What is MTHFR?

MTHFR is an enzyme that adds a methyl group to folic acid to make it usable by the body. The MTHFR gene produces this enzyme that is necessary for properly using vitamin B9. This enzyme is also important for converting homocysteine into methionine, which the body needs for proper metabolism and muscle growth and which is needed for glutathione creation . The process of methylation also involves the enzyme from the MTHFR gene, so those with a mutation may have trouble effectively eliminating toxins from the body. Folic acid not only can not be utilized to complete this metabolic chain, but can not be properly processed by the body and will be stored by fat cells as a toxin.

Side effects of a faulty MTHFR gene can include: Heart disease, anxiety, toxicity, chronic pain, strokes, fat storage. And folic acid is vital in brain development of gestating babies during pregnancy.

Of course, I had only heard of folic acid in terms of pregnancy. So hearing that my Xmen power is that I cannot effectively carry a baby to full gestation was kind of a letdown. Everything my doctor had explained to me was lost as I mourned my missed opportunity to be a super hero. I do know that he prescribed a cure… well, a pill and a process. The “pill” is methylfolate... which is a naturally occurring form of the man made folic acid. My body CAN process methylfolate, and this will allow my body to reverse the impact of not being able to complete the above metabolic process. The “process” is to avoid foods that are labeled “enriched”. When bread, rice, raw grains, cereal are “enriched”, most likely they are enriched with FOLIC ACID, which is what my body cant process. Because my body can’t process this folic acid, my fat cells will pull that folic acid in and store it as a toxin. Not only is my body unable to utilize the folic acid to complete the metabolic process, but my body will also store the folic acid as a toxin.

The best part of this fun fact, is that I didn’t absorb any of it during my doctors visit. Oh sure, at his suggestion I purchased the methylfolate. However, my extent of "using" the supplement was to call all my friends and tell them my doctor prescribed meth, and that I was an Xmen. To make this even worse, I set up auto delivery of my supplements and was receiving them on regular intervals, only to place it on a shelf and never use it.

Then I had a moment of kismet. I was sitting at the pool with some friends, and the topic of the mutated MTHFR gene came up (as I am sure it does for everyone on a daily basis). Apparently, both of my friends that I was speaking with, have this issue too. Both of these individuals have had struggles with anxiety and found relief in the methylfolate supplement. One of these friends said he was ready to begin taking anti-anxiety medications but found that the methylfolate helped stabilize his anxiety… and he said “I feel more comfortable and more like myself than at any point in my life”. The other gentlemen added that not only did he stabilize his anxiety with methylfolate, but that he also noticed the increased weight loss effects of his exercise programs.

Needless to say I have spent the past 48 hours researching this topic. I am absolutely going to start adding in the supplements and avoiding anything with “folic acid”. This may or may not be something I am having issues with in my life. This is hard for me to measure. I am one of the least anxious people I know, and I cant be 100% sure of the role this lack of completion of the metabolic chain is having in my weight issues. However, I don’t see a down side to cleaning the folic acid from my diet and utilizing the benefits of the methylfolate. This is a “pro’s v con’s” scenario. I don’t see a down side to eliminating enriched foods from my diet, and the possible upside is huge.

As I type this post, I know that the reader will draw two plausible conclusions about my progress. 

1)      Eddie is making growth in terms of understanding that biology and genetics play a huge role in personal health.

a.       CORRECT. Genetics play a pretty universally accepted part in a person’s predisposition for cancer, heart disease, diabetes… why is the focus of weight loss so heavily believed to be just habit related for fat people. Fatties are sold pigeon holed remedies and we eat them up. Diet plans, meal replacements, books, ab rollers… how much money will we waste on these things before realizing that the first step in losing weight, is using science and studying our minds and bodies to determine what the cause of our weight issues are.  There is no “one fix”… we need to treat this as a complete rewiring of our habits.. study our minds, bodies, family histories, and personal habits. Humans have unique body chemistry's, and we need to understand our unique biological make up before we can accurately repair our issues. This is not a matter of smashing our way through barriers… this is a process of understanding why our barriers exist and permanently removing them with calculation.

2)      Eddie is learning to focus on his targets and the importance of paying attention to professionals and utilizing everyone’s time and efforts to the best of my abilities. Have less of a dreamers mentality. 

a.       NOPE! Not at all the case. My brain works the way it works. I enjoy the benefits I receive from my dreamer mentality. I feel the struggle to allow my dreamer mentality to coexist with intellectual focus is a battle worth fighting. I never want to lose my inner Lane Meyer (if you don't understand this reference, you are whats wrong with this country). I am willing to tolerate some lack of efficiency, to enjoy the fun derived from my wandering mind. 

So remember boys and girls, if you want to be lean/healthy/and anxiety free, study your body, explore your mind for reasons that may be behind why you act outside your best interest (understand why you have an unhealthy relationship with food), and make sure to take your meth twice a day.

Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone

I had a Homer Simpson moment yesterday. An “ah ha” moment that is painfully obvious to the audience, and yet I was failing to grasp. To be honest, I am not sure how “painfully obvious” this epiphany really is, but it feels like a pretty obvious realization. I think this revelation may be what separates fit people, from unfit people. When it hit me, I audibly muttered “no shit, dumb fuck”. I happened to be in the produce section of my local Fred Meyer (Kroger) when it happened  and I am 100% that the blue haired old woman with the “go fuck yourself frown” was unimpressed with me muttering “no shit, dumb fuck”.. but from the looks of things, she doesn’t have that many more years (days) to be upset about me cursing. She looked as though she was already dead, and she was being Weekend at Bernies’d by life. 

The epiphany begins with my second Orange Theory workout with Brooke. When I do a group workout, I go through a cycle of idiocy in my own mind.

1)      I pull up to the entrance and sit in my idling car.

2)      I dwell on the fact that I really don’t want to look stupid by sucking at the workout (all neurosis that are fabricated in my own head)

3)    I decide if I am going to be able to perform adequately, or if I will end up looking like the classes lovable mascot. 

4)      I pull away from the facility and start calling to cancel my appointment due to a made up work emergency that I am going to blame for my absence. (this is especially funny to me because last week I had to cancel due to a real work issue)

5)      I change my mind and drive back to the entrance, and sit in my idling car….

*REPEAT* (picture Cameron in his drive way in "Ferris Bueller's day off")

Once I actually commit to going inside, my demeanor instantly changes. The best way of describing this new temperament is “false bravado”. I start puffing out my chest, and cursing for no reason, and becoming overly descriptive about my inadequacies… basically acting impervious to opinion (building a mask of confidence to hide my insecurity). This session at Orange Theory was no different. I had gone through the cycle of idiocy, finally decided to go inside, and was walking around the place like a prize fighter. Once class started, I didn’t deflate the room… I put a tough guy face on, and kind of half stretch while staring down all the dudes… I am such a jack hole when I act like this.. its everything I hate. When class sets to begin, I choose people in class to unwittingly be my points of motivation. The first time I went to Orange Theory I happened to run into a woman I know, and she is a total bad ass. She  set up on the equipment next to me, and successfully pushed me to perform my best. I actually think she knew I was mirroring her, or trying to keep pace… it felt like we were in cahoots. It was important to both of us that I do well. SOLIDARITY!! 

This time I chose two people.. the tall handsome dude with abs you could see through his t shirt, and a pretty younger woman with a rippled back to be my unwitting motivation. At Orange Theory the class is split into two groups. One does a cardio weight circuit while the other group does intervals on the row machines and/or treadmill, and then we switch. My two motivational tools were split perfectly. Dreamy McTallguy was in my grouping, and Pretty McChizzledBack was in the other group. Within 2 minutes, I knew I maybe had chosen poorly. Dreamy was flying through the workout like a god damn machine, and Pretty was handling the row machine like a born coxswain. I did my best to keep pace, but slowly and surely fell further and further behind. 

By the end of class, I was in last place. By the way, this is a placing system I totally invented. If Brooke is reading this, she probably thought “what the fuck is he talking about, we don’t slot the athletes”. But I do. I notice my performance. I was the last person to finish my last rep. However, I am 0% unhappy about this. As I surveyed the room at the end of the workout, I saw 25 men and women who had worked hard to be great at yesterdays workout. Their great performance in yesterdays workout, was the result of years of work. I am not arrogant enough to strip this accomplishment away with assumptions that I should have outperformed them. I was happy to finish. I burned 1313 calories in that hour. That’s a win under any metric. But I like to motivate myself with competition. I don't shit talk. I don't grand stand when my performance is stronger than someone else... I just like the boost I get from perceived competition. 

Before I left class I chatted with Brooke for a bit. She mentioned that while my legs would undoubtedly be wobbly and sore right away, Orange Theory is designed to keep your metabolism working throughout the day, as well as meant to keep your body feeling “pushed” for longer periods. The whole idea is to make your body have positive effects that continue between workouts. She warned me to drink plenty of water, and stay active, so I didn’t cramp up... she gave me amazing tips for easy activities that I should be doing in between workouts in order to keep my body loose. For some reason, the words that were echoing in my head were "designed to keep impacting you for the next few days after your workout". I couldn’t place my finger on why, but for some reason, this resonated with me.

After I left Orange Theory, I sat in my car texting my buddies about class. We were contemplating the science behind Orange Theory and how the “splat points” map our heart health and ability to have lasting benefits from class (actually, we spent 20 minutes trying to outdo each other as to who could make the funniest masturbation pun based around the term “splat points”.. but I don’t want you all to know how juvenile we are, so I won’t tell you this). Once the meeting of the minds was over, I started thinking about something my trainer friend Joey said about eating right. He spoke about the “other 23 hours”… what he was referencing was how when we give in to temptation and binge eat, we feel temporary relief for an hour or so, but then pay the price physically for the other 23 hours of the day. However, when we workout we feel uncomfortable or sore for an hour, and our body feels the reward for the other 23 hours. He spoke about how our health related activities should be designed to improve your quality of life. Health is not JUST about the time you spend actively engaged in workouts or meals, but it about how you feel all day. 

This is where the Homer Simpson moment happened. I arrived at Fred Meyer to shop for healthy ingredients and the words from both of these conversations were swirling in a storm of non-comprehension in my brain. It felt like one of those scenes from adult oriented cartoons where the protagonist ponders a point for a long time, with the desired effect being frustration for the audience. Their words were swirling...  

“Orange Theory is designed to maximize the health effects of the workout even while you aren’t working out”

“Don’t eat to satisfy an hour of craving…. Eat to feel healthy all day”

“Make your hour of struggle productive enough to make the other 23 hours of the day feel better”

I could hear the frustration of the audience growing. People at home saying “Jesus dummy! It is so obvious”. And that’s when it hit me… I am still treating healthy living as a fucking novelty!!!! I am a tourist in the world of healthy living. I workout. I eat well. But between gym sessions, I am basically a slug. One hour of working out, isn’t a “healthy lifestyle”… its treating health like a tourist attraction. I show up and workout for an hour, and then spend 23 hours telling people about it. I should be chasing kids. I should  be working on my car. I need to spend more time moving around. Health has a compound effect. Being more active in general will help my body stay younger feeling, and help it work better. My workouts will hurt less if I am able to build up my body in between workouts. Workouts need to be PART of healthy living, not the entirety of what I consider healthy living.

Physical activity needs to be the rule, not the exception. Healthy living needs to be the rule, not the exception. I need to reside in healthy living, not visiting. I have had very vocal reservations about Keto for this reason. This isn’t my forever. The whole point of keto for me, was to race to thin, and then adjust my diet once I got to the weight  I wanted. his feels like a tourist mentality. I know some people who do keto and feel amazing all the time, and it is their base dietary habit… but this was never my attention. My body feels ok while on keto, but I have noticed a few effects that I haven’t liked. Also, I have been taking Yosemite Sam style bm’s for the last month. Holy shit! My biscuits are burning!!! I am going to transition to a lean and green diet. Lean proteins, tons of veggies, no grains or sugar. The fat from the keto appears to be destroying my gut, and leafy greens always make my body feel so good. I also am going to mix up my workouts more. Some weight lifting, some Orange Theory, some random activity mixed in through out the day. I also find that my fitbit keeps me motivated to be more active in general. I love chasing the footstep benchmark. I also tend to get competitive against inanimate objects… when that dumb bastard of a watch tells me to get up and move, I can feel my blood boil. How dare you ridicule me, fitbit!!!! I need to make being healthy an hour to hour process, and not a day to day process. 

And just to close the loop and not leave you guessing. The winning “splat point joke” was mine… “32 splat points in an hour, sounds like every one of my Saturday nights in high school”

Jabba at the bat

I need more movement. My life is sedentary. I only seem to move for about an hour about 75 minutes a day. 60 minutes at the gym, and then the 15 minutes right after I leave the gym, where I pat myself on the back for having gone to the gym. That leaves 22 hours and 45 minutes a day in which I am basically Jabba the hut… and not kick ass tavern scene, gold bikini Leia/wild ass giggle monster having Jabba… I am talking off screen Jabba. The laying around laughing, a loud obnoxious laugh, to myself… kind of sweaty for no explainable reason… dreaming of eating critters, Jabba. Just working out an hour a day, does not give me permission to be a complete fucking toad the rest of the day.

I fucking sweat when I sleep. Have you ever been driving your car, and it starts to sputter, and you cross your fingers and PRAY to god that you can just get your car to your destination before it dies. That “sputtering” is the automotive equivalent to sweating in your sleep. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that I get to my destination before my body gives out. A healthy lifestyle, probably should include a higher percentage of my “life”. There are so many things I enjoy doing, that would help multiply the physical benefits I am aiming for by going to the gym

1)      Hiking… (total fucking lie. But I live in Oregon, and I think it’s a state law that we say we like hiking… but holy shit, what a nightmare activity. Walking in the heat with bugs… “hey look, trees! And over there, more god damn trees, YAY. I live in Oregon, trees are such a novel thing… and not at all part of my day to day scenery.” )

2)      Golf… (yes, its hardly a fitness oriented activity.. but 2 hours of walking and chatting with your friends, while engaged in semi competitive sport, is better than sitting around watching tv.)

3)      Softball… (Again,  not exactly an elite athlete maker, but its better than sitting around all day. At least it is me being up and active. Plus, I owe it to the sport of softball to get out and play. I am a gift)

4)      Take the stairs instead of the elevator. (This is the motto of every office girl in dress slacks, but wearing white off brand tennis shoes, but maybe they are on to something)

5)      I can play catch with my kids. (they are shitty at sports though.. so catch always turns into “bounce things off their heads and watch them cry”… but rolling around laughing is a form of exercise)

The point is. I have found that too big a percentage of my life is spent sedentary. I need to make physical activity be more prevalent. An hour of activity at the gym, is not enough. I also have started doing lunges and squats and crunches during the work week. I do them every hour on the hour. My goal is just to make sure to get up and get the blood flowing throughout the day. Fitness and health is a lifestyle, not something you force yourself to do now and then. There is a snowball effect to health. If I am diligent about getting up, and doing physical activities, the feeling of carving activity grows. Conversely, if I sit around all day jacking off and watching cartoons, I will tend to make that type of activity my standard. I have lost MANY a day to those bugaboo time thieves.

I am going to get up, get out, get moving… get my blood flowing. An hour a day of working out, isn’t enough.

20 years of failures... Part 2.. Common Fatties

I use mean and weighted words when I speak about my struggles with weight. The list of reasons why contains both positives, and negatives. But before I get to far in to my own feelings and reactions toward myself, we need to address how I got where I am.

Perspective is created from our own personal journeys. It is no coincidence that geographical regions produce trends and cultural norms, or why religion/education/political affiliation/global outlook/etc…. tend to be passed down from generation to generation, and why progress is an evolutionary process. Our realities are born from what we perceive and experience growing up. Our realities are also born from how we define and value words. I find it lazy when people talk about “common sense”… very few things are universally accepted and understood. We evolve and develop our intellect throughout our journeys. Some things that are inherently accepted by one person, are a struggle to comprehend for another. This can be complicated further by the fact that no two people have the same starting lines…

Some people have a socioeconomic head start

Some people have an inherent intellectual advantages

Some people have a geographical advantage

Some people have biological advantages

Some people have gender advantages (based on privileges and rights and expectations that can come with gender related bias and laws)

We shouldn’t expect to be excellent at everything. We also shouldn’t gage ourselves against other people. We are not fighting the same battles. We need to understand that so many issues out of our control have shaped who and why we are. I think we need to take the positives from unity and support, while also remembering that we all have circumstances in our journey that are unique.

Have you ever met, or heard about, a “smart dumb person”. Intelligence is not universal or equally applied to every aspect of our lives. One of the most common “logical fallacies” is the appeal to authority… or false authority. Being educated in one arena, or successful, does not make a person a universal intellectual. I wouldn’t hire a surgeon to fix my car. I don’t expect that just because a person has shown excellence, or is educated in one field, that they have an equal knowledge base in all other areas of life. This can also be rephrased as “being insufficient in one area of our lives, does not make us insufficient in ALL areas of our lives”. This logical fallacy needs to be applied to ourselves as well. To expect that every aspect of my life would be handled with equal ability, or that my efforts/intelligence/and productivity would be applied equally to every aspect of my life is naïve. So why do I feel that failing in one aspect of my life, makes me a failure? Why do so many people I talk to hate to admit failure in one aspect of their lives or another? I think I do this because I feel that admitting weakness, is seen by many as being weak. This is not the case though. Denying weakness, or failing to acknowledge it, is weak. Anger is weak. Confronting your own perceived deficiencies, is hard. Working to understand how, and why, is strong.

I also believe in the power of intellectual honesty. I cant “fix” that which I don’t admit is “broken”.

With all of this being said… I can comfortably say “my brain is broken when it comes to losing weight”. This does NOT mean I am a moron. Fuck, maybe I am. No one thinks they are stupid…  I don’t personally believe I am, and I am comfortable enough with that. I do think there are things I am fucking stupid about. And what I mean by this is that I knowingly act outside my own best interest sometimes. But the point is, I get to decide if that is bad. I get to decide what is important to me. I have ideas and goals. I am not accomplishing some of these goals. The barrier is clearly a monster of my own design. I have all of the physical abilities, and gifts needed to accomplish any physical goal that I truly want.

How? How is my brain preventing me from accomplishing my goals? I actually finally believe I have an understanding of how I am stopping my progress. The problem is, I have a sprinter mentality. Some people are wired for long term thinking… some people are wired for short term focus. I am the latter. My focus is hard to keep channeled. I can’t rely on me. I will stray. The worst part is, it isn’t a conscious decision I make to eat bad. I just haven’t been able to reset my defaults. I instinctively grab horrific, nutrition free, food. I operate out of the id. Impulse react… impulse react. I also struggle with success. My struggles with weight have similar pitfalls as struggles with depression. Many people who take depression meds, go through a vicious cycle of on again off again med usage. While on the drugs they feel ok which can cause some sufferers to feel that they can stop taking the medications, and then slowly they start regress back into a state of depression. I go through this too. As I start to see success at getting my weight under control, I let my guard down and start regressing again. I need to keep working to fix the default settings in my brain. I need to develop the tools it takes to change my way of thinking. This journey I am on is to set life long changes.

I see this as my brain being “broken” in regards to my own health. Acknowledging that I struggle with the mental skills it requires to maintain a healthy lifestyle, is the first step in repairing my habits. I don’t believe in sugar coating words. I don’t say my brain is broken out of self-pity. I don’t say my brain is broken to remove personal responsibility. I don’t say my brain is broken as a reflection of my overall intelligence or self-worth. I say my brain is broken because I have goals, and I haven’t figured out how to make myself accomplish these goals. My thought patterns and mental nature are getting in my way. I have found that adding patch worked fragments of information and haphazard application of  healthy habits, don’t work on for me in the long term. I need to rip the structure apart and rebuild. I need to completely rewire how I operate in terms of health habits. I need to retrain my brains defaults. I need to create healthy habits AND make these habits become lifelong behaviors. This doesn’t mean I think I am a dolt. Intellect isn’t applied evenly. My patterns and habit related practices were not set correctly in terms of my health. This is not a reflection on any part of my life other than my health.

I sometimes feel that there is disconnect between some healthy people and some obese people. I don’t know that people who have never been obese can understand the feeling of desperation, and hopelessness that comes from being drastically overweight. It’s the whole empathy vs sympathy discussion. Fit people can hear stories of fatties eating ice cream and crying in the closet, but they cant know the grip that being overweight has on us. When a fit person discusses obesity, and gets in the mind of an obese person, they are a tourist… I fucking live here!!! Everything I do, is done under the shroud of being overweight.

The best example of this, is when I spent two years in shape. I felt more uncomfortable as a fit person, than I did ever did as an overweight person. At least as a fat ass, I knew who I was. Those two years I spent in shape, were spent in disbelief. I never trusted anyone who said they were proud of me. I would stare at myself in the mirror. Being fat was part of me. The neurosis surrounding being fat, that I had carried my whole life, didn’t disappear just because I was in shape. I was a fatty in sheeps clothing. I felt I was wearing a disguise. I believe this contributed to me reverting back to my comfortably disgusting habits. In order to make this a life time fix, I need to fix the cause, and not just address the symptoms. Fat isn’t the cause, fat is the symptom of unhealthy habits. I need to fix my brain… I need to change my sense of identity, as well as give myself the tools required for long term change. Repairing 38 years of bad habits, will require work. Whenever I think about this topic, I think of the song ‘Common People’ by Pulp

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge,
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College,
That's where I,
Caught her eye.
She told me that her Dad was loaded,
I said "In that case I'll have a rum and coca-cola."
She said "Fine."
And in thirty seconds time she said,

I want to live like common people,
I want to do whatever common people do,
I want to sleep with common people,
I want to sleep with common people,
Like you.

Well what else could I do
I said "I'll see what I can do."
I took her to a supermarket,
I don't know why,
But I had to start it somewhere,
So it started there.
I said pretend you've got no money,
She just laughed and said,
"Oh you're so funny."
I said "Yeah?
Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here.
Are you sure you want to live like common people,
You want to see whatever common people see,
You want to sleep with common people,
You want to sleep with common people,
Like me.

But she didn't understand,
She just smiled and held my hand.
Rent a flat above a shop,
Cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool,
Pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right,
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night,
Watching roaches climb the wall,
If you called your Dad he could stop it all.

You'll never live like common people,
You'll never do whatever common people do,
You'll never fail like common people,
You'll never watch your life slide out of view,
And dance and drink and screw,
Because there's nothing else to do.

Sing along with the common people,
Sing along and it might just get you through.
Laugh along with the common people,
Laugh along even though they're laughing at you,
And the stupid things that you do.
Because you think that poor is cool.

Like a dog lying in a corner,
They will bite you and never warn you,
Look out, they'll tear your insides out.
'Cause everybody hates a tourist,
Especially one who thinks it's all such a laugh,
Yeah and the chip stain's grease,
Will come out in the bath.

You will never understand
How it feels to live your life
With no meaning or control
And with nowhere left to go.
You are amazed that they exist
And they burn so bright,
Whilst you can only wonder why.
Rent a flat above a shop
Cut your hair and get a job
Smoke some fags and play some pool
Pretend you never went to school,
But still you'll never get it right
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night
And watching roaches climb the wall,
If you called your dad he could stop it all

Measurables... benchmarks... gut punches

I have made the decision to track and post tangible progress. I feel that there are two types of people..

Sprinters, and marathoners.

Sprinters are great for short distances, but lack long term focus or stamina.

Marathoners can complete long term goals and retain focus without straying. Maybe they don’t have any super fast periods of production, but they achieve their goals at a more consistent rate.

I am a mental sprinter. Fuck, I am a mental puppy. More than once I have found myself standing in a 7/11 holding a diet soda, and looking at the candy aisle, without even realizing I was doing it. This is not a joke. I actually had to put the soda back and bought a water I didn’t want, just so I didn’t look like a complete jack off by walking out empty handed. I couldnt handle the idea that people would think I was window shopping at 7/11. Day dreaming about peanut butter cups and old hot dogs.. tapping on the glass and swooning. In fact, even being in a 7/11 is pretty dumb. What the fuck do I ever need to be in a 7/11 for? Overpriced batteries? Sugary garbage? Soda? Terrible coffee? No, besides the cheap DVD’s, there is no reason to be inside a 7/11. This is an example of how easily distracted I am. In order to accomplish long term goals, I need a series of short term benchmarks. Something to hold my  attention.

On that note, here are my measurables

Weight: 256 lbs (Faaattttt)

Tummy (at the biggest point): 46 inches (oof… rough)

Tits: 50 ¼ inches (sweet Jesus)

Back hair: Blotchy (Myles did not do a good job shaving it.. he did not earn that $5)

Skin tone: Vanilla Latte beige with a sprinkle of cinnamon on my shoulders and tummy (delicious).

Weiner: Unimpressive but spunky, a real character actor.

I want my best friends to see my vasectomy

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20 years of failure... PART 1... aka: Locust invasion

A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for everything. This concept was brought to light in the 1950's by Julian Rotter. (You’ll need  this for later…it’s kind of the theme for this post)

Words are more nebulous than we like to admit. How do we have “facts” and “common sense” if words can be manipulated? The idea of formulaic expression is comforting, but this isn’t the reality. We all have connotations and weight that we add to certain verbiage. “Good”… “bad”… “right”…. “wrong”… all of these words have different meanings from person to person.. and each word has a different value to each person. To make this even more ridiculous, there are SO many factors that dictate the meaning of words: translations from language to language, religion, mental acuity, connotation of value… to many factors to list here.

This is an important clarification that needs to be made when laying out my views on what actually matters in terms  of weight loss. I do not believe weight related issues are a physical issue. I believe that concentrating on diet and exercise as the first steps in regaining balance in our physical condition, is counterproductive and neglects the most important factor… OUR FUCKING BRAINS. Treating an unhealthy relationship with food with diet and exercise, is like treating a cough to CURE the flu. You can’t cure an ailment by treating the symptoms. Being over, or dramatically under, weight is the manifestation of a deeper issue.

Why do you think so many people have such wildly fluctuating ups and downs? We try to address the physical body and dietary habits without addressing what caused us to formulate the existing habits. 

For me, I have discovered patterns in my life that I can no longer pretend do not exist.

1)      I allow other people’s opinions to prioritize what is important to me

2)      I don’t take the time to create definitions for myself (because it is easier... failure is free of expectation...)

3)      I concentrate more on celebrating other peoples successes, than creating my own

4)      I mask the symptoms of stress with destructive instant gratifications

                                                                                                   i.      For example… I have 4 deals going to board this month, and all 4 prospects are blowing me up hourly. Instead of tackling the issues, and finding joy in the journey, I eat bad… something delicious and filling isn’t going to demand of me. It isn’t going to judge me. I wont have to stress about it. I will just get the pleasure of whatever food I choose. I choose… I get choice… Its “get to”, not “have to”… elimination of restriction. My weight management is just another thing I fucking have to do… and setting this project and set of rules aside for a while, and allowing myself some “freedom” will release an ounce of stress, and fill it with whiskey and pizza.

5)      I joke to mask real pain. Anything  I give the definition of “humor” to, can’t hurt me.

6)      I love stock piling rage and burying it, and replacing it with humor and a smile, until I explode and want to light the world on fire

7)      I avoid facing hard issues, and instead find work a rounds, or worse yet, I recreate my own values and definitions in order to eliminate deficiencies without actually eliminating them. Clever wording and wavy value lines can create false security, false comfort.

But the problem is, none of these traits or behaviors actually eliminate the issue. They mask the symptom. However, the real issues still lives inside of us. Our personal priorities and values live inside us, and are complex as fuck. My beliefs and values and behaviors 

were crafted over months/years/decades of behaviors, and social and parental reinforcements, and geographical trends. I love how so many people believe that we have behaviors or tendencies that are strictly willed to exist, or born from our own intellect. That is one portion of what makes us who we are. Nature? Nurture? Fuck you, its both.

I don’t have all the answers to lifes issues. But I have some knowns... for instance, I am not an alcoholic, because my dad was one. I am not free from this addiction because of a conscious choice… I luckily built a default setting that made me ultra-cognizant of my alcohol related behaviors. I also realize I just as easily could have turned to alcohol to self-medicate some of the issues that arise through living through a loved one’s alcoholism. My neurosis went the positive way. Had they not, this would be another issue I needed to tackle.

The point is… we need to start by creating our own definitions, and accepting that some of our defined traits, behaviors, and tendencies are not currently being exemplified by ourselves.

1)      Define what YOU hold value in.

2)      Define what “success”, “failure”, “happy”, “sad” and “joy” mean to you.

3)      Define what “healthy” means

4)      Define “why”… why you do what you do, and face what you face

5)      Remove your sense of value from other peoples control

6)      Remove your physical presence from your sense of identity, WHILE you have a negative view of your physical presence.

7)      Define what makes you feel pride.

Once you define these things for yourself, you can begin to create and mold who you are. I often write about the feeling  I have that I could rob everyone in the gym. Just walk around taking money out of all of the pretty peoples pockets. They  don’t fucking see that I am even there… I am invisible to them. This is obviously me masking real neurosis by redefining the feeling as “humor” in my own brain, and this feeling also shows just how much I externalize my locus of control (side note: I autocorrect wants “locus” to be “locust”… and I do not want to give the impression that have, or ever had, control of grasshoppers).

I have definitions of success and failure that I outline for myself.

          1)     I want to be at a healthy weight. A weight that will allow my organs to function optimally, allow me to live longer, and ease the burden on my skeletal structure.

FAILING… I am not at a healthy weight yet.. but I am correcting this now by staying true to MY OWN definitions and standards. By holding myself to a standard I chose, I can work to correct this further

           2)   I want to reprogram my brain to default to healthy choices… when I am hungry, instinctively grab a healthy snack… basically make unhealthy foods become treats

Failing…. But notice its not capitalized. I am close on this one. I am getting more and more in touch with “why” I choose unhealthy options in the face of stress, and in turn, I am able to remove poor dietary choices from my life.

              Fix my broken brain.

Succeeding… I chose this exact wording because it drives my friend Joey crazy. He hates that I use negatively weighted terminology to define myself. I admit, this is a               dangerous habit. I have found myself in self-induced ruts. But when I say “my brain is broken”, I don’t mean I am sitting here typing this while wearing a helmet in case I randomly fall out of my chair. I mean that I have tendencies and patterns and defaults that are barriers to my success. By my on definitions and standards, I am not living up to my potential. I tell my kids every week, "you three are gifted in so many ways that you have every mental, sociological, and physical resource to do ANYTHING you want, so I will only be disappointed if you choose to do NOTHING”… I chose this wording carefully

                             “Gifted” .. all three of my kids are intelligent enough to do anything…

                             “you want”… they are passionate children who have dreams of their own that they can follow… they can define success and achievement for themselves

                             “choose to do nothing”…  if they end up passionless adults who watch life pass them by, that’s their own fucking fault. They have a head start in the race.

Why do I not hold myself to this same standard. I want to be physically gifted. I want to live a long time. I want to feel athletic. I was born with all the physical gifts to accomplish this. I was born with the mental acuity to process my emotions and accept the good and bad traits I have. “I am gifted in so many ways and I have every mental, sociological, and physical resource to do ANYTHING I want, so I will only be disappointed if I choose to do NOTHING”

           3)    Understand my own faults so that I can work to eliminate them.

SUCCESSFUL… I do not define “fault” in as negative way as I think many people do. I am mistake RIDDEN. But why are we here if we aren’t here to grow. Of course I have faults

              I am inherently lazy

              I make horrific dietary choices.

              I avoid conflict

              I have momentary bouts of external locus of control

              I make love to well and am too giving and thorough of a lover

              I have a tendency to redefine words to fit my deficiencies in behaviors.

          4)    Work hard to create joy over happiness.

                                                                                                    

I view of joy as the long term effect of contentment. The voidof sadness or depression. I view happiness as more of a fleeting feeling. You will never see me frown while I kill a large pizza and chase it with 13 miller highlifes. I feel a sense of temporary pleasure or “happiness” while I am in the moment of destruction. But my long term sense of joy is compromised. I need to replace temporary feeing of happiness due to instant gratification, with the long term joy of accomplishment. I set these definitions, and I choose if I am living up to them

Failure, success, good, bad, happy, joy… we get to define these things for ourselves.  Remember earlier in this post when I said “I don’t take the time to create definitions for myself (because it is easier... failure is free of expectation...)”… I chose the word “easier” on purpose. Is it “easier” is “failure free of expectation”… it depends on how you define these words.

                    

It is easier in the moment to cheer others success, than to work hard to overcome your perceived failures and correct your behaviors. But the long     term effects of allowing yourself to live without accomplishing the things you see as important or worthy of celebration, certainly is not easy. Those feelings permeate your psyche. I believe acceptance of under achievement (as defined by your own standards) allows it to become easier to compromise your other values, and conversely, success snowballs too. Success begets more success.

Is “failure free of expectations”? Depends on how you define expectations… WHO’S expectations? Failure leaves you free of other peoples expectations. But, fuck other people. I have met other people, and most of them are shitty. Failure creates a subconscious expectation inside of ourselves. An expectation of failure. Make no mistake.. it is not a positive thing to make it easier to fail to meet our own standards. One minute you are letting your dietary standards slip, then you are ok being passed over for a promotion, next thing you know you are smoking crack in a ditch you call home.

Take your locus of control and internalize it. Create your own standards, definitions and values. Learn what you need in order to grow and meet your standards. We have so many judgements and values we place on others... but sometimes fail to look inward and understand our own personal standards and measurements of success and failure. 

The first step of this journey should be a counselor not a trainer. The outside can't be understood without a working i Knowledge of our internal motivations and values. 

       I will end this part of the discussion with a quote from the great Monique in “Better off dead”

                     “I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.”

                             TO BE CONTINUED……

Spiderman characters. Commodore 64's. Bad high fivers

Venting my inner most demons has been fun. There is a certain amount of vulnerability with telling the whole world that you are fat, and that you understand its your own fault. I sometimes feel like I have opened myself up too much. 3 times a week I open up my brain and give guided tours, almost as if I am leading you through a museum of me..

“On the left you will see how A sexual and invisible I sometimes feel. You will especially appreciate how inferior I can appear to feel. And coming up.. you are all in for a real treat… in the next exhibit you will get a detailed retelling of the time my trainer rubbed his penis on my eyebrows.”

This being said, everything that has come from this process, has been amazing. I have long felt that we all have VERY similar neurosis and hang ups. The difference in people’s journeys has more to do with how much these issues are able to take a hold of us. I think what I have learned the most, is that there are too many body types, and mental make ups, to pigeon hole successful weight management and physical health into one system that “works best”.. growth and self-discovery are a trial and error processes. Life is not an A to B undertaking.

Throughout the last two months I have learned a lot about my own journey, and had some great highs and lows. But without question, the best part is the overwhelming number of people who have reached out to me in one form or another to chat. There are too many personal conversations and connections/reconnections for me to recount… but some of these have been more impactful than others. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love human connection. I thrive on it. I encourage everyone, and anyone who has an opinion or a comment to send it to me.

After last week’s post, a man that I played little league with messaged me with his experiences in eating right. Jeff Priester… his dad was my baseball coach when I was 7. Jeff is a physically fit man. He’s handsome, in shape, not someone you would look at and assume felt he needed to monitor his eating. But the reality is, he absolutely does need to monitor his eating behaviors. The reality is, he is just doing a better job of monitoring his eating habits than I am. He is better at assessing when he is developing habits that he sees as detrimental, and adjusting his behaviors. THAT'S EXACTLY WHERE I AM TRYING TO BE. He is exactly the person I should be talking to… he has insight into some dietary principles that have worked for him. He spoke about how he does default to making healthy choices, and his description of his relationship with food felt healthy. Less confrontational. He appears to view food as fuel and intuitively knows to make healthy choices. Everything he said, is everything I am trying to do. I feel I am just a little behind him in terms of mental abilities. My brain isn’t functioning in the way I want it to yet, and I still have some reprogramming to do before I get to where he is. As a side note, he mentioned that the last time we had spoken, was the night the Cubs won the world series, which was an amazing night for both of us. It was a great all around conversation to have.

I also reconnected with one of my oldest friends. Molly Miles (I promise this is a real person, and not a Spiderman character…). Molly and I grew up together. She is one of those people that instantly makes me smile. We were probably 3 or 4 when we first met. Every time I see her, it’s like walking out of a time machine, and I feel like I am 5 or 6 again. She even calls me “Eddie” like I am a 5 year old… and I love that she does. Molly is completing a nutrition certification course, and we had a lengthy discussion about nutrition and psychological aspects of dietary habits. It was a great excuse to reconnect with an old friend. It was interesting to hear the perspectives of a woman who had educational and emotional insight on the process of developing healthy relationships with food.

Even friends I talk to on a regular basis have opened up to me about their struggles with healthy habits. I have a friend of 20 years named… well, we will call him Shroy Shaller (he didn’t give me official permission to use his identity so I am using this clever naming convention to hide his identity). Shroy and I talk regular, and hang out when we can. He was part of my annual baseball weekend trip that I took with a group of close friends. Shroy is a former high school athlete, and had what is undoubtedly the best passing game in Jesuit High School football history… too bad he didn’t play for Jesuit (he holds the OSAA record for interceptions thrown in a game, which we remind him of pretty consistently). He also holds the record for the most impressive penis I have ever seen. He drunkenly took it out on an elevator once, and I didn’t know if I should build a house with it, or say a prayer to it… its glorious. Shroy is kind of a shit talking mans man. I didn’t expect how open and vulnerable he would be about his current physical health. He too has decided he needs to monitor his weight. He decided we should create a text chain with a few other friends of ours, and we share recipes and tips, and healthy shit we are doing. It’s been a great way to get healthy tips. Shroy is one of my favorite people, and it was kind of comforting knowing he had similar habits he was trying to form. It is fun having something like this to share with people I love. 

I also have met people that I now call friends. I wrote about Brooke from Orange Theory. Brooke is the polar opposite of me, physically. She is like a collage of healthy attractive people that was created to sell diet food. NO, WAIT, it feels as though she was created by two nerds with a commodore 64 like in “Weird Science”. She opened up about her insecurities and it was astounding to me at just how similar our neurosis are. We were two people who couldn’t be more physically different, and yet our struggles were similar. I am now going to sign up at orange theory and take her classes. It was so comforting knowing that the person kicking the shit out of me during a workout class, was doing it knowing that this is what they would need if they were in my shoes. 

I also wrote about that son of a bitch Chris. Chris and I are now... gulp... friends. He read my post. We now talk daily about workouts, and he has been a great resource for tips. He is always quick with a spot, or a kind word, or information about what to expect on my hormone therapy. I am sure that when I am finally as fit as I want to be, he'll have dumb fucking advice on how to cope with my new found handsomeness, and where to get the best spray tan, but I am not ready for that yet... I am not that level of handsome yet. I have actually come full circle on Chris. I was able to confirm how misplaced all of my anxieties and perceptions of him where. Turns out he is a pretty good dude... but a shitty high fiver. Nice guy, but he high fives like he is having a seizure. 

The list goes on and on. I would say I have had 20-30 conversations with people  in the last month alone, that I never would have had the chance to have before. Some people have had personal experiences I couldn’t relate to, but it was so rad that they felt they could open up to me. And some people have had stories so similar to mine that it was instantly bonding. I have made new friends at the gym that give me advice, as well as bounce ideas off of me. I am a whore for attention and conversation, so of course I love this. I also have found it comforting knowing what other people think. I am not arrogant enough to think I have all the answers. I love conflicting view points. Feel free to stop me and converse, send me an article you think I may enjoy, or disagree with a point I’ve made. I read all of your emails, and respond when I can. I feel as though conversation of any kind will prompt thought, and thought is how you discover answers.

Special shout out to Brian, Joey, Jess and DJ... 4 amazing trainers who have been IRREPLACEABLE to me. These 4 have worked with me at Villa.. some as trainers, and some just as friends who liked chatting with me about working out and given me advice about dietary habits.