Panty Dropping 101: New Edition/Johnny Gill/Keith Sweat

I rarely have my own best interest in mind. If regaining my health was solely for me, I would end up having to be cut out of my own house. Pizza, five guys, beer, French toast, captain crunch, diet coke, waffles, burritos, ice cream, any form of fried potatoes, pork, peanut butter cups, my dad’s Coney dogs <- these are my 13 reasons why. Apparently, I love bad foods more than I like being alive.

This journey has been so hard for me because I so often get bogged down in how far the finish line feels. I have been more successful this time, because I am more concentrating on enjoying the journey than mourning that I am not at the destination.

Life is about the little things. Take this last weekend for example. Abe, my 11 year old son, had his first middle school dance. To make this event even more significant, he also has his first girlfriend. A few days before the dance, he informed me that a tall blonde-haired girl pulled him aside and announced that he was going to be her boyfriend. I could see how proud/nervous/excited he was and it melted me. On top of that, he asked me to chaperone the dance so I could meet her. These are the small moments that make me happy.

I have had the genuine fear of being the “fat dad” that my kids would be embarrassed to have around their friends. I know this is mostly born of my own insecurities, but we all know how ruthless kids can be. It would have haunted me forever to not be in a position to share these things with Abe.

The fun began with the buildup before the dance. Abe asked me all about my first girlfriend, and first kiss. I gave him the full story:

I told him about sitting at the Aloha Theater watching a double feature of “The Fisher King” and the Steven Seagal classic “Under Siege”. The girl I kissed went to a different junior high, and we only got to hang out when she visited her dad and step sisters who introduced us. I haven’t seen her since I was 13, but she reads this blog so I will change her name to mask her identity… we will call her Shmacy Shwhite… (you’re welcome Tracy). When we got to the movie, Matt Hickox and Kacey Kerger sat in the row in front of us. As I kissed Shmacy, I knew no one at school would believe me… it could not go unwitnessed. Every soft pink virgin ever has told tales of “the mystery girl from another school”... So I flailed and kicked at Matt’s chair until he turned around to see me kissing her. Matt gave me thumbs up, which I know about because I had my eyes open the entire time.

Abe cackled and laughed through my entire story. He asked me all about how I got the nerve to make the move, and how I knew she wanted me to kiss her. I was open about consent and how any hint of a no NEEDS to result in an instant ejection from the current activities. I told him “I knew she was ok with the courtship because 15 minutes before I kissed her, she placed my hand on her boob”. I also had spent the entire lapse of time between the hand placement, and the kiss, counting backwards from 3 and mumbling “fucking kiss her already” quietly under my breath. I couldn’t have made my intentions more obvious short of holding a neon sign saying “I AM ABOUT TO KISS YOU”. She had ample time to say “no thank you”… but my game had her body screaming, “yes, please” (gross).

The day of the dance was the best though. I created the quintessential “hook up” playlist.

-                          -  Bobby Brown

-                          -  Keith Sweat

-                          -   New Edition

-                          -  Tony Tone Toni

-                          - Ginuwine

-                          -  Blackstreet (no diggity? No doubt)

-                          -  Boyz II Men (have you ever noticed that the grunt at the beginning of “Motown Philly” sounds like a dude climaxing? Its fitting that the album starts this way, because the rest of the album is akin to an audible post coital cuddle)

-                          - Toni Braxton

Before we drove to the dance I set the mood by letting Abe listen to this. Well, “made” is more accurate. I could see the glee in him the entire evening. The best part of the night was watching him hold her hand. He tried to hide this from me by only holding her hand when on the opposite side of the courtyard from me. He failed to realize that no matter how dark it was, I could tell which couple was them because his girlfriend is easily 18 inches taller than him. The logistics of holding her hand created a scenario where his hand was higher than his shoulder, because he didn’t want to make her lean down.

This. This is the reason I am working so hard to improve my health. I have found that focusing on the “why” makes the “how” so much easier. Focusing on feeling good, and enjoying the little moments has made my workouts so much more tolerable. Plus, now I have been listening to this new playlist at the gym, and the charge of sexual energy is improving my workouts.   

There is a hole in my scrotum

V is not for “victory”. V is not for “valor”. V IS for “victim”… also maybe for “Voly Vucking Vhit, vy Valls Vurt”. That’s right, today I got my vasectomy. It is about time too. I never understood men who put this off. Why? Now there are absolutely ZERO consequences to unprotected sex with multiple partners. I was neutered today. Well, I became electively  sterile today, but there isn’t a vas deference between the two. THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, that’s a testicle tubes play on words!!! Outstanding artistry. PS.. I am writing this while high on Oxy, so it may get away from me a time or two. But this is a monologue, I can say whatever I want. Don’t be selfish.

I want to share my experience with you so as to ease the stigmas, and fears that surround vasectomies. Men have so many weird hang ups about their dicks and balls. There is no need. Manhood has almost nothing to do with your penis (Yes, I understand that this comment is in the “guys with small dicks hall of fame”).

My process started out on a brisk Saturday morning. The fact that this was done on a Saturday drew the attention of my friends. They thought it was odd that a surgical procedure would be done on a Saturday.. and honestly, I don’t know if it is or not. This is my first, and hopefully only, vasectomy. I did think this was weird once I really thought about it though. Would my doctor be hung over from the night before? Would he be pissed that he drew the short straw and had to work on Saturday... I don't need a disgruntled dude stabbing at my dong? Would I be getting this done in the urgent care? Wtf. When I arrived, I actually asked my Doctor why we were doing this on a Saturday, and he told me that so many men get them that they have to schedule them on Saturdays as well. That means there are a lot of guns out there shooting blanks.

The procedure itself is really easy. The hardest part was standing in the middle of the room, wearing only my t shirt, and a smile, as I discussed music choices with the surgical tech. Our eyes locked, as we debated "Midnight Marauders" vs "Low End Theory", while I was unpleasantly pants-less. I feel like this is how 90% of high school girls would describe their first sexual experience. 

I climbed onto the table awkwardly, because that is the only way to crawl onto a table while naked and chatting with a dude standing behind you. Tad is now one of a very short list of people who has seen me from this position.

The procedure itself is standard. The only pain you’re supposed to feel is the shot of numbing agent applied directly to your scrotum. However, because the shot didn’t fully take effect, the worst part for me was feeling the doctor cut through my vas deference. It was less than pleasant… I screamed fuck and jumped away. Sudden movements while a man grips the inside of your package is ill advised.. but once they applied more numbing agent, I was good as new.

My very favorite part of the procedure was when I saw that the doctor and his surgical tech were bobbing their heads to “Electric Relaxation” by Tribe Called Quest, while they were working attentively on my scrotum and the tech was gripping my shaft. I asked the Doctor “Do you have my vas deference outside my body right now”… he responded, “yes, I am cauterizing the ends now”… I found this outstanding. I actually chuckled aloud. How funny. I love that he was burning the tips of my severed semen tubes while bobbing along to Tribe. I never thought this would be a thing that happened.

Men. Get this taken care of when you are done having kids. Condoms are stupid, and birth control is not a burden women should carry alone. Chemically altering their bodies should not be the only long-term answer. A vasectomy is not a big deal. Here is a time line of unpleasant parts of the process

-          Naked conversations with strange men

-          Commercials on the “90’s hip hop” Pandora station they play for you

-          Hearing how “its not a big deal if you get an erection” while the surgical tech smears ICE COLD disinfectant gel on your taint and shaft

-          Having a needle jammed into your scrotum

Really, that’s it… that’s the hard part. I know some jack hole is going to chime in with a story of infection that they got. But leave your anecdotal one off, super rare, experience out of this. Just learn how to properly wash your privates, and shut the fuck up.