A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for everything. This concept was brought to light in the 1950's by Julian Rotter. (You’ll need this for later…it’s kind of the theme for this post)
Words are more nebulous than we like to admit. How do we have “facts” and “common sense” if words can be manipulated? The idea of formulaic expression is comforting, but this isn’t the reality. We all have connotations and weight that we add to certain verbiage. “Good”… “bad”… “right”…. “wrong”… all of these words have different meanings from person to person.. and each word has a different value to each person. To make this even more ridiculous, there are SO many factors that dictate the meaning of words: translations from language to language, religion, mental acuity, connotation of value… to many factors to list here.
This is an important clarification that needs to be made when laying out my views on what actually matters in terms of weight loss. I do not believe weight related issues are a physical issue. I believe that concentrating on diet and exercise as the first steps in regaining balance in our physical condition, is counterproductive and neglects the most important factor… OUR FUCKING BRAINS. Treating an unhealthy relationship with food with diet and exercise, is like treating a cough to CURE the flu. You can’t cure an ailment by treating the symptoms. Being over, or dramatically under, weight is the manifestation of a deeper issue.
Why do you think so many people have such wildly fluctuating ups and downs? We try to address the physical body and dietary habits without addressing what caused us to formulate the existing habits.
For me, I have discovered patterns in my life that I can no longer pretend do not exist.
1) I allow other people’s opinions to prioritize what is important to me
2) I don’t take the time to create definitions for myself (because it is easier... failure is free of expectation...)
3) I concentrate more on celebrating other peoples successes, than creating my own
4) I mask the symptoms of stress with destructive instant gratifications
i. For example… I have 4 deals going to board this month, and all 4 prospects are blowing me up hourly. Instead of tackling the issues, and finding joy in the journey, I eat bad… something delicious and filling isn’t going to demand of me. It isn’t going to judge me. I wont have to stress about it. I will just get the pleasure of whatever food I choose. I choose… I get choice… Its “get to”, not “have to”… elimination of restriction. My weight management is just another thing I fucking have to do… and setting this project and set of rules aside for a while, and allowing myself some “freedom” will release an ounce of stress, and fill it with whiskey and pizza.
5) I joke to mask real pain. Anything I give the definition of “humor” to, can’t hurt me.
6) I love stock piling rage and burying it, and replacing it with humor and a smile, until I explode and want to light the world on fire
7) I avoid facing hard issues, and instead find work a rounds, or worse yet, I recreate my own values and definitions in order to eliminate deficiencies without actually eliminating them. Clever wording and wavy value lines can create false security, false comfort.
But the problem is, none of these traits or behaviors actually eliminate the issue. They mask the symptom. However, the real issues still lives inside of us. Our personal priorities and values live inside us, and are complex as fuck. My beliefs and values and behaviors
were crafted over months/years/decades of behaviors, and social and parental reinforcements, and geographical trends. I love how so many people believe that we have behaviors or tendencies that are strictly willed to exist, or born from our own intellect. That is one portion of what makes us who we are. Nature? Nurture? Fuck you, its both.
I don’t have all the answers to lifes issues. But I have some knowns... for instance, I am not an alcoholic, because my dad was one. I am not free from this addiction because of a conscious choice… I luckily built a default setting that made me ultra-cognizant of my alcohol related behaviors. I also realize I just as easily could have turned to alcohol to self-medicate some of the issues that arise through living through a loved one’s alcoholism. My neurosis went the positive way. Had they not, this would be another issue I needed to tackle.
The point is… we need to start by creating our own definitions, and accepting that some of our defined traits, behaviors, and tendencies are not currently being exemplified by ourselves.
1) Define what YOU hold value in.
2) Define what “success”, “failure”, “happy”, “sad” and “joy” mean to you.
3) Define what “healthy” means
4) Define “why”… why you do what you do, and face what you face
5) Remove your sense of value from other peoples control
6) Remove your physical presence from your sense of identity, WHILE you have a negative view of your physical presence.
7) Define what makes you feel pride.
Once you define these things for yourself, you can begin to create and mold who you are. I often write about the feeling I have that I could rob everyone in the gym. Just walk around taking money out of all of the pretty peoples pockets. They don’t fucking see that I am even there… I am invisible to them. This is obviously me masking real neurosis by redefining the feeling as “humor” in my own brain, and this feeling also shows just how much I externalize my locus of control (side note: I autocorrect wants “locus” to be “locust”… and I do not want to give the impression that have, or ever had, control of grasshoppers).
I have definitions of success and failure that I outline for myself.
1) I want to be at a healthy weight. A weight that will allow my organs to function optimally, allow me to live longer, and ease the burden on my skeletal structure.
FAILING… I am not at a healthy weight yet.. but I am correcting this now by staying true to MY OWN definitions and standards. By holding myself to a standard I chose, I can work to correct this further
2) I want to reprogram my brain to default to healthy choices… when I am hungry, instinctively grab a healthy snack… basically make unhealthy foods become treats
Failing…. But notice its not capitalized. I am close on this one. I am getting more and more in touch with “why” I choose unhealthy options in the face of stress, and in turn, I am able to remove poor dietary choices from my life.
Fix my broken brain.
Succeeding… I chose this exact wording because it drives my friend Joey crazy. He hates that I use negatively weighted terminology to define myself. I admit, this is a dangerous habit. I have found myself in self-induced ruts. But when I say “my brain is broken”, I don’t mean I am sitting here typing this while wearing a helmet in case I randomly fall out of my chair. I mean that I have tendencies and patterns and defaults that are barriers to my success. By my on definitions and standards, I am not living up to my potential. I tell my kids every week, "you three are gifted in so many ways that you have every mental, sociological, and physical resource to do ANYTHING you want, so I will only be disappointed if you choose to do NOTHING”… I chose this wording carefully
“Gifted” .. all three of my kids are intelligent enough to do anything…
“you want”… they are passionate children who have dreams of their own that they can follow… they can define success and achievement for themselves
“choose to do nothing”… if they end up passionless adults who watch life pass them by, that’s their own fucking fault. They have a head start in the race.
Why do I not hold myself to this same standard. I want to be physically gifted. I want to live a long time. I want to feel athletic. I was born with all the physical gifts to accomplish this. I was born with the mental acuity to process my emotions and accept the good and bad traits I have. “I am gifted in so many ways and I have every mental, sociological, and physical resource to do ANYTHING I want, so I will only be disappointed if I choose to do NOTHING”
3) Understand my own faults so that I can work to eliminate them.
SUCCESSFUL… I do not define “fault” in as negative way as I think many people do. I am mistake RIDDEN. But why are we here if we aren’t here to grow. Of course I have faults
I am inherently lazy
I make horrific dietary choices.
I avoid conflict
I have momentary bouts of external locus of control
I make love to well and am too giving and thorough of a lover
I have a tendency to redefine words to fit my deficiencies in behaviors.
4) Work hard to create joy over happiness.
I view of joy as the long term effect of contentment. The voidof sadness or depression. I view happiness as more of a fleeting feeling. You will never see me frown while I kill a large pizza and chase it with 13 miller highlifes. I feel a sense of temporary pleasure or “happiness” while I am in the moment of destruction. But my long term sense of joy is compromised. I need to replace temporary feeing of happiness due to instant gratification, with the long term joy of accomplishment. I set these definitions, and I choose if I am living up to them
Failure, success, good, bad, happy, joy… we get to define these things for ourselves. Remember earlier in this post when I said “I don’t take the time to create definitions for myself (because it is easier... failure is free of expectation...)”… I chose the word “easier” on purpose. Is it “easier” is “failure free of expectation”… it depends on how you define these words.
It is easier in the moment to cheer others success, than to work hard to overcome your perceived failures and correct your behaviors. But the long term effects of allowing yourself to live without accomplishing the things you see as important or worthy of celebration, certainly is not easy. Those feelings permeate your psyche. I believe acceptance of under achievement (as defined by your own standards) allows it to become easier to compromise your other values, and conversely, success snowballs too. Success begets more success.
Is “failure free of expectations”? Depends on how you define expectations… WHO’S expectations? Failure leaves you free of other peoples expectations. But, fuck other people. I have met other people, and most of them are shitty. Failure creates a subconscious expectation inside of ourselves. An expectation of failure. Make no mistake.. it is not a positive thing to make it easier to fail to meet our own standards. One minute you are letting your dietary standards slip, then you are ok being passed over for a promotion, next thing you know you are smoking crack in a ditch you call home.
Take your locus of control and internalize it. Create your own standards, definitions and values. Learn what you need in order to grow and meet your standards. We have so many judgements and values we place on others... but sometimes fail to look inward and understand our own personal standards and measurements of success and failure.
The first step of this journey should be a counselor not a trainer. The outside can't be understood without a working i Knowledge of our internal motivations and values.
I will end this part of the discussion with a quote from the great Monique in “Better off dead”
“I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.”
TO BE CONTINUED……
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