Venting my inner most demons has been fun. There is a certain
amount of vulnerability with telling the whole world that you are fat, and that
you understand its your own fault. I sometimes feel like I have opened myself
up too much. 3 times a week I open up my brain and give guided tours, almost as
if I am leading you through a museum of me..
“On the left you will see how A
sexual and invisible I sometimes feel. You will especially appreciate how inferior I can appear to feel. And coming up.. you are all in for a
real treat… in the next exhibit you will get a detailed retelling of the
time my trainer rubbed his penis on my eyebrows.”
This being said, everything that has come from this process,
has been amazing. I have long felt that we all have VERY similar neurosis and
hang ups. The difference in people’s journeys has more to do with how much
these issues are able to take a hold of us. I think what I have learned the
most, is that there are too many body types, and mental make ups, to pigeon
hole successful weight management and physical health into one system that “works
best”.. growth and self-discovery are a trial and error processes. Life is not an
A to B undertaking.
Throughout the last two months I have learned a lot about my
own journey, and had some great highs and lows. But without question, the best
part is the overwhelming number of people who have reached out to me in one
form or another to chat. There are too many personal conversations and
connections/reconnections for me to recount… but some of these have been more impactful
than others. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love human connection. I thrive
on it. I encourage everyone, and anyone who has an opinion or a comment to send
it to me.
After last week’s
post, a man that I played little league with messaged me with his
experiences in eating right. Jeff Priester… his dad was my baseball coach when I
was 7. Jeff is a physically fit man. He’s handsome, in shape, not someone you would
look at and assume felt he needed to monitor his eating. But the reality is, he
absolutely does need to monitor his eating behaviors. The reality is, he is just
doing a better job of monitoring his eating habits than I am. He is better at
assessing when he is developing habits that he sees as detrimental, and
adjusting his behaviors. THAT'S EXACTLY WHERE I AM TRYING TO BE. He is exactly
the person I should be talking to… he has insight into some dietary principles
that have worked for him. He spoke about how he does default to making healthy
choices, and his description of his relationship with food felt healthy. Less
confrontational. He appears to view food as fuel and intuitively knows to make
healthy choices. Everything he said, is everything I am trying to do. I feel I am
just a little behind him in terms of mental abilities. My brain isn’t functioning
in the way I want it to yet, and I still have some reprogramming to do before I
get to where he is. As a side note, he mentioned that the last time we had
spoken, was the night the Cubs won the world series, which was an amazing night
for both of us. It was a great all around conversation to have.
I also reconnected
with one of my oldest friends. Molly Miles (I promise this is a real person,
and not a Spiderman character…). Molly and I grew up together. She is one of
those people that instantly makes me smile. We were probably 3 or 4 when we
first met. Every time I see her, it’s like walking out of a time machine, and I
feel like I am 5 or 6 again. She even calls me “Eddie” like I am a 5 year old…
and I love that she does. Molly is completing a nutrition certification course,
and we had a lengthy discussion about nutrition and psychological aspects of
dietary habits. It was a great excuse to reconnect with an old friend. It was
interesting to hear the perspectives of a woman who had educational and
emotional insight on the process of developing healthy relationships with food.
Even friends I
talk to on a regular basis have opened up to me about their struggles with
healthy habits. I have a friend of 20 years named… well, we will call him Shroy
Shaller (he didn’t give me official permission to use his identity so I am
using this clever naming convention to hide his identity). Shroy and I talk
regular, and hang out when we can. He was part of my annual baseball weekend
trip that I took with a group of close friends. Shroy is a former high school
athlete, and had what is undoubtedly the best passing game in Jesuit High
School football history… too bad he didn’t play for Jesuit (he holds the OSAA
record for interceptions thrown in a game, which we remind him of pretty consistently). He also holds the record for the
most impressive penis I have ever seen. He drunkenly took it out on an elevator
once, and I didn’t know if I should build a house with it, or say a prayer to
it… its glorious. Shroy is kind of a shit talking mans man. I didn’t expect
how open and vulnerable he would be about his current physical health. He too has decided he needs to monitor his
weight. He decided we should create a text chain with a few other friends of ours, and
we share recipes and tips, and healthy shit we are doing. It’s been a great way
to get healthy tips. Shroy is one of my favorite people, and it was kind of comforting knowing he had similar habits he was trying to form. It is fun having something like this to share with people I love.
I also have met
people that I now call friends. I wrote about Brooke from Orange Theory. Brooke
is the polar opposite of me, physically. She is like a collage of healthy
attractive people that was created to sell diet food. NO, WAIT, it feels as
though she was created by two nerds with a commodore 64 like in “Weird Science”.
She opened up about her insecurities and it was astounding to me at just how
similar our neurosis are. We were two people who couldn’t be more physically
different, and yet our struggles were similar. I am now going to sign up at
orange theory and take her classes. It was so comforting knowing that the
person kicking the shit out of me during a workout class, was doing it knowing
that this is what they would need if they were in my shoes.
I also wrote about that son of a bitch Chris. Chris and I are now... gulp... friends. He read my post. We now talk daily about workouts, and he has been a great resource for tips. He is always quick with a spot, or a kind word, or information about what to expect on my hormone therapy. I am sure that when I am finally as fit as I want to be, he'll have dumb fucking advice on how to cope with my new found handsomeness, and where to get the best spray tan, but I am not ready for that yet... I am not that level of handsome yet. I have actually come full circle on Chris. I was able to confirm how misplaced all of my anxieties and perceptions of him where. Turns out he is a pretty good dude... but a shitty high fiver. Nice guy, but he high fives like he is having a seizure.
The list goes on
and on. I would say I have had 20-30 conversations with people in the last month alone, that I never would
have had the chance to have before. Some people have had personal experiences I couldn’t
relate to, but it was so rad that they felt they could open up to me. And some people have had stories so similar to mine that it was instantly
bonding. I have made new friends at the gym that give me advice, as well as bounce
ideas off of me. I am a whore for attention and conversation, so of course I love
this. I also have found it comforting knowing what other people think. I am not
arrogant enough to think I have all the answers. I love conflicting view points.
Feel free to stop me and converse, send me an article you think I may enjoy, or
disagree with a point I’ve made. I read all of your emails, and respond when I
can. I feel as though conversation of any kind will prompt thought, and thought
is how you discover answers.
Special shout out to Brian, Joey, Jess and DJ... 4 amazing trainers who have been IRREPLACEABLE to me. These 4 have worked with me at Villa.. some as trainers, and some just as friends who liked chatting with me about working out and given me advice about dietary habits.
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