Thought; creations and manifestations, and sexual hubris

I have decided to use my period off of work, to my advantage. I have been researching theories of how our own thoughts and ideas effect our ability to act in our own self interest. This goes beyond just weight loss. We self sabotage in many ways… career advancement, sexual pursuits, finances, addiction… the human mind is so complex and our own neurosis cant be boiled down to one or two simple factors.

I listened to a podcast on NPR called “Invisibilia” and the episode was called the “Secret History of Thoughts”. The basic premise surrounds the question of “Do our thoughts define us”… do the dark, or hurtful thoughts we have, dictate our action.. or do all people have dark and self-destructive thoughts, but only some people are compelled to act on these thoughts. One point that really stuck with me is how our thoughts can be molded by what we audibly inundate ourselves with.

Do songs, movies, regional slang, education level, dialogue with loved ones, shape our thought patterns. Of course they do. So I decided to dissect the songs on my gym playlist. See what is subconsciously being fed to my brain. I picked a few songs and over the past month, I would play them on repeat and truly dwell on the lyrics, and see the thoughts that where in my head by the end of the workout… monitor my mood… see how I interacted with people… did I peacock around the gym, mean mugging people? I really needed to break down the lyrics to see what the true context was.

Work it – Missy Elliot

DJ, please pick up your phone, I'm on the request line
This is a Missy Elliott one-time exclusive, come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it – This is the problem with so much of my fitness attempts… I cant know if its worth it, until I work it.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup
Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup
If you got a big, let me search ya – Full disclosure, Big is relative. This feels like a gamble. If you let her “search ya”, and you have misrepresented the girth of yourself, this could go very very wrong. Missy doesn’t have a “I have come this far, I might as well finish what I started vibe”… nor do a vast majority of todays discerning females. They will send you packing with your “tail” tucked between your legs. Maybe she is telling me that I need to be more confident. I need to “say yes” at any of lifes big dick statements.
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup
Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup

I'd like to get to know ya so I could show ya
Put the pussy on ya like I told ya – Integrity… Fuck.. .this is a good start. She said she would put her pussy on ya, and by god, she followed through. This is good. My music is going to give me good pussy ethics.
Give me all your numbers so I can phone ya – This is a sticky wicket. I don’t get to just demand numbers. I feel like this is not a behavior I should mirror.
Your girl acting stank, then call me over – a healthy sense of self. Huh… I don’t seem to have this. I tend to operate from a subservient role. I need to see myself like Missy, I am the alternative to a stank ho, I MYSELF am not the stank ho.
Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa
Call before you come, I need to shave my chocha Missy… come on. Be game ready at all times. My chocha is freshly shorned before I even brush my teeth.
You do or you don't or you will or won't ya?
Go downtown and eat it like a vulture – Ugh… Missy… NO… I have an unhealthy relationship with food as it is. I need less aggression at the dinner table.
See my hips and my tips, don't ya?
See my ass and my lips, don't ya?
Lost a few pounds and my waist for ya – Fuck yes. Inspiration!!!! Losing weight SHOULD be done for ones self, and not for ya… but being healthier is good regardless.
This the kinda beat that go ra-ta-ta
Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta
Sex me so good I say blah-blah-blah
Work it, I need a glass of water
Boy, oh boy, it's good to know ya – Ahhhhh, thanks. I like knowing ya too.

If you a fly gal, get your nails done
Get a pedicure, get your hair did – These lines feel exclusionary. Even if you aren’t a fly gal, you can get your hair did.
Boy, lift it up, let's make a toast-a
Let's get drunk, that's gonna bring us closer – Fuck! I have used this line 1000 times, and it has never felt as charming as it does when Missy says it.
Don't I look like a Halle Berry poster?
See the Belvedere playing tricks on ya
Girlfriend wanna be like me, never
You won't find a bitch that's even better – I feel like this line is a bit braggadocios. A healthy ego is important.. but come on.
I make you hot as Las Vegas weather
Listen up close while I take it backwards I have never been able to talk a woman into this. I feel like this is Missy proving her last point of “you wont find a bitch that’s even better”.

I'm not a prostitute, but I could give you what you want – I am listening.. this is like the best attention grabbing lead in sentence ever. I don’t give a shit what I am doing, or what is happening, I will listen to what comes next.
I love your braids and your mouth full of floss
Love the way my ass go bum-bum-bum-bum
Keep your eyes on my bum-bum-bum-bum-bum – HUGE let down. This is a bait and switch. Great lead in sentence is totally wasted.
You think you can handle this badonkadonk-donk – No. I don’t. Nothing in my life has lead me up to the point where I could begin to handle Missy Elliot’s Bodonkadonk-donk.
Take my thong off and my ass go boom
Cut the lights on so you see what I could do

Boys, boys, all type of boys -
Black, White, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys – Puerto Rican feels oddly specific.
Why-thai, thai-o-toy-o-thai-thai
Rock-thai, thai-o-toy-o-thai-thai
Girls, girls, get that cash
If it's 9 to 5 or shaking your ass
Ain't no shame, ladies do your thing
Just make sure you ahead of the game – These 5 lines are very important. I think “shame” can be healthy, but can also be illogical at times too. Why do we worry so much about the opinions of others. Do what you fucking need to do.
Just 'cause I got a lot of fame super
Prince couldn't get me change my name, papa – Pride seems to be a theme. Confidence.
Kunta Kinte a slave again, no sir
Picture blacks saying, "Oh yes'a, massa" (No!)
Picture Lil' Kim dating a pastor – This feels like an attack. Shouldn’t we be rooting for each other. Lil Kim could marry a pastor. If you see your fat fucking friend trying to run on a treadmill, run next to him… don’t say he cant do it.
Minute Man and Big Red could outlast ya
Who is the best? I don't have to ask ya – Her prideful boasting is beginning to feel like sexual hubris. People gravitate towards confidence, but come on.
When I come out, you won't even matter – Sigh
Why you act dumb like, uh, duh?
So you act dumb like, uh, duh – MISSY… you're losing me. I need more confidence but I don’t want to be arrogant. This feels like a short sighted over compensation.
As the drummer boy go ba-rom-pop-pom-pom
Give you some-some-some of this Cinnabun – You just lost me. Now all I want is a cinnabun. Fuck.

While I was listening to the song, I could feel my confidence growing. The beat, the lyrics, the bravado… it was all so good. I was stomping around the gym, batting water bottles out of peoples hands, and being untenable. I pulled my thing out, flipped, and reversed it, much to the chagrin of EVERYONE in the weight room.

It is funny how we listen to music, and podcats, and TV shows, and the news and we never stop to think about what we are programming our thoughts with. We hear people hurting people, and we are inundated with messages of boastfulness, and its no wonder so many carry feelings of intimidation and fear. Self doubt. Social media does this too. I do think I need to be more careful with my thoughts and how they manifest themselves into behaviors. Part of this is to be mindful of what I listen to

Drama and Silence.

The last 4 months have been crazy. That’s an understatement. Well, actually, no it isn’t. That’s probably exactly the best way to sum it up. I have had a crazy few months.

When I set out to document my journey from fat guy, to svelte vixen, I had some rules I sort of outlined in my mind. One of which was that I would be 100% open to the world about everything. My struggles with health are monsters of my own design. This struggle has primarily been a mental issue. Of course, we all need some physical adjustments. However, most of the reasons I am fat, revolve around the fact that I make bad decisions. So documenting my struggles has been good for me. Every time I write a post, at least one person messages me to tell me how they relate to part of, or all of, what I said. Some people have advice, some people have similar experiences, and some people just contact me to say “thank you”.

One person in particular stands out. One woman reached out to me, and I found it to be a somewhat unlikely connection. Her name is Krysta, and I know her because her sister was once married to one of my best friends. I feel I need to set the scene a little, with some back-story on Krysta. Krysta is fucking stupidly smart. She always kind of intimidated me, so when her name popped up in my Instagram messenger, I was a bit nervous. I was a worried she was going to point out some holes or contradictions in one of my posts. She is very good with words too, so I would be outmatched if she wanted to call me to task on something. I am so glad she reached out to me though. We ended up discussing my blog for a while, and she had some great points for me, all in regards to my own possible effect on myself. The conversation was long and covered her view on this topic well, but it was one of her simplest comments that gave me pause; “I wonder what would happen, if you talked about yourself with kinder words”. This is so simple… but it has sat in my brain for weeks now. Am I the reason I struggle with self-esteem? Do I subconsciously sabotage myself by being overly self-deprecating? The answer may be yes. I am the first to celebrate other people’s accomplishments, and the first to make jokes at my own expense. I need to strike a better balance. Yes, I can be a total shitbag.. I can be lazy and do stupid stuff… but I can also point out when good things happen. I think there is something to this. I think this may be part of why I face such big setbacks in my progress, as well as why I tend to withdraw when truly impactful things happen to me.

This all leads up to my crazy few months. I was toying with the idea of glossing over this period. I was going to begin writing again as if nothing had happened. As if I hadn’t disappeared for 6 months. However, this spits in the face of why I started this in the first place. I feel that sorting out my thoughts and being transparent, makes me better. Humor, and relating to people, and sharing my life are the best way for me to regain perspective. I feel most of us over inflate the gravity of serious issues, and it’s healthy to take a step back and focus on the rewards of getting through the hard times.

There were two major issues that I faced these last few months. I tend to be a bit dramatic, so I will try to discuss these issues in a sensible way.  

1)      Back in May, I almost fucking died!!!! Fuck. That’s already a bit dramatic. Also, somewhat incorrect. Lets try that again. Back in May, my blood tried to kill me!!!

a.       I had been getting nose bleeds for a few weeks, and had some headaches… neither of which happen to me. But it wasn’t until my assistant manager noticed my eyes were actively getting blood shot in front of him, that I decided to go to the Dr at lunch. Turns out my blood pressure was 230/190, which is well above what their charts called “Hypertensive Crisis”. Within minutes the nurse had my shirt off (BTW, porn has lied to us about what comes next after a nurse demands you take your shirt off)  and they were hooking me up to electrodes to monitor my heart. I wont give you all the details, but it turns out I had a blood infection that was causing my kidneys to malfunction and cause my blood pressure to sky rocket. I had to take medications and refrain from exercising for 2 months. It was a bit scary to be honest. My doctor was very clear that I was in real danger of strokes or heart attacks. I was on the blood pressure meds for 4 months before they were confident enough to take me back off. After months of antibiotics and Lisinopril, I am officially healed. I have been cleared

2)      I lost my job

a.       I guess saying “lost” is a bit disingenuous. I mean… I know where it is. I didn’t misplace it. I know where the physical job is located. I just don’t occupy it anymore. I was asked politely to leave and never come back. This part is true. It was a polite process. The owner of the company actually hugged me on the way out. I was relieved on some level, because I wasn’t happy with this job. The atmosphere was awful, and I was already looking for employment elsewhere. So while the separation was mutual, it was still stressful to be sent out on a career ice float to die in the abys. No matter why a job separation occurs, or how long it lasts, there is some uneasiness that accompanies this kind of transition. I felt like I was in the middle of a shit storm. First, I had a health scare, and then I become unemployed. This was a low period for me. Although from point of termination to accepting an offer for 2.5 times the wage, was 23 days, which made lessened the stress.

This is why I have been absent for a while. I was a bit scared. I spent a few months being worried about my health due to the ups and downs that accompany trying to regulate my blood pressure, as well as fight an infection. My body felt insane. Internally schizophrenic. One second I felt fine, then all of a sudden, I would feel jittery and uneasy for a few hours, and then immediately start falling asleep and becoming foggy brained.  Then as soon as I dodge that bullet and started to feel better, and feel the relief that I wasn’t going to die, I lost my job and I was unsure that surviving the health scare was the right move. However, this is exactly when I should be writing. I need to gravitate to the catharsis that comes with being open. Both of these incidents caused a great deal of stress to my life, and both ended up being ending perfectly fine. Life has a way of figuring itself out. I could have been dealing with the stress as well as keeping my mind in a better place, had I just been writing and making sure I spoke about myself with kinder words.