My inner DJ Tanner

We all need a little guidance in our lives. We need that thing, that thing that resonates deep with in us. For some people it’s the Torah or the Talmud, for others it’s the Quran, and still others use the bible to teach them life lessons and give them guidance. People find so much reliability in these teachings, and can see a reflection of themselves. I too have a guiding force. A body, or bodies of work that are so relatable that my soul finds comfort almost every word projected out to me. Everything I know and believe can be traced to 1 of 3 shows. 3 shows that are leading me to salvation and peace.

-         -  Full House (only “Full House”, get the fuck out of here with this “Fuller House” BS)

-          - Saved By the Bell

-          - Facts of Life (Obviously)

For instance, I had a mild diet pill addiction back in 1999-2000. This was during my 3 year period where I was actually in shape. Great shape. I lost 80lbs over a 5 month span, with an ultimate goal of losing 100lbs. I hit a plateau and found I was really struggling to lose the last 20lbs. This is when I discover Ephedrine. Holy shit Ephedrine. It was a magic pill. I can still feel the blood coursing through my veins at the mere mention of the word. When I was taking Ephedrine I could run 3 miles to the gym, lift heavy for an hour or so, and run home. I was a god damn super hero. Sure, some people died taking it, and I got so wired I would have to stand through some of my college courses because  I couldn’t physically make myself sit down… but that shit is bound to happen. My friends had many discussions with me about how they worried about my health while I was taking Ephedrine. What a bunch of daffodils. My heart might of lost rhythm a few times, but it always found its correct tempo eventually and with almost no passing out. No matter how many times they talked to me, their words fell on deaf ears. That is, until they reminded me of the plight of Jessie Spano. I can still see her spinning wildly and out of control in her bedroom, crying out the lyrics to “I’m so excited”, while Zach tried to hold her and console her. Fuck, if I had a dime for every time my resemblance to Jessie Spano saved my life, I would be a rich man. Just thinking about this has me so thankful that even though Jessie ruined “Hot Sundae’s” chance at a record deal, she may have saved my life.

I base my life on the character arcs of these three shows, and thanks to examples like the one above, I have yet to have a problem that this method of living couldn’t solve. I am a perfect mix of Jessie Spano/AC Slater/Natalie Green/Blair Warner/DJ Tanner with just a sprinkle of Uncle Joey.

I have a very important event coming up in 2 weeks. My oldest friend’s, oldest son, is getting married. This family is very important to me.  Jared Taylor and I were inseparable in jr high and high school. His first job use to call my parents’ house when they wanted Jared to come in to work extra shifts. Jared’s brother JD Taylor is the dirtiest piece of shit, but I love him like a brother too. In fact, I love this whole family. I love them so much that I gave my youngest son “Taylor” as a middle name. 10 years ago, when Jared moved to Idaho Falls, it was one of the hardest days of my life. I mourned his move the way I would mourn a death. Now that his son Dom is getting married, I am as excited for the event as if my own son was getting married. In February, Dom’s fiancé called me and asked if I would be willing to officiate the wedding, and it was one of the highlights of my life. I could not be more honored. This will be my 6^th wedding I have officiated, and it feels as though I am officiating this wedding for a member of my own family.

As I prepare for this wedding, there is so much to do.

-           - I am writing personalized vows, as I always do.

-           - I am setting up my travel to and from Idaho, and arranging my schedule so that I can take time off       work

-          - most importantly, I am starting the DJ Tanner diet.

Up to this point of my weight loss journey, I have experimented with my diet strategies. I started on keto, but found that my body was not handling it well. I was becoming very acidic and my guts hurt all day. Now I am eating lean meats, plenty of vegetation, a limited amount of grain, almost no sugar, and I count every calorie I eat. I am finding some success with this. Success that I am hoping will lead to this being my forever diet. No gimmicks, no quick fixes… just clean healthy living that is leading me to a healthy body and mind. That being said, as I prep for this wedding, I need to make a drastic leap in my weight loss. No one at the wedding will care about my weight, and I feel no pressure to be any more fit that I am. However, nothing feels better than making your best friends feel like shit. I want to make a noticeable stride in my efforts to lose weight, so I can attempt to steal the spotlight from the bride and groom, as well as make Jared and JD feel a tad shitty. I would love to see them feel really shitty, but they are soulless fucks and don’t really feel super high or low, so I will take seeing them feel “a tad shitty”. We have been friends for so long, that our bond is now made of a mutual and healthy distain for each other, and a direct mourning of each other’s successes. Oh god would I love to show up 10-12 lbs lighter. Those halfwits would be noticeably aggravated with this, and my soul would find peace in their distain.

This gives me a target to lose 10-12lbs in the next 2+ weeks, and I am open to anything that can help me get there. As we know, drastic times call for drastic measures, so I knew I was looking at a long study session in order to find my answers. Of course, by “long study session”, I meant I had hours and hours of “Saved by the Bell”, “Facts of Life”, and “Full House” reruns ahead of me. I started with “Facts of Life” for the obvious Natalie Green factor. I couldn’t imagine there wouldn’t be an episode based around Fatalie Green dropping weight to fit in. I also had the Blair Warner wild card… she was hot, but she was so vapid and egotistical, I could feel there may be a “very special episode” about Blair being anorexic, that I could glean some tips from. However, half way through season 3, during a classic Tootie fiasco, something hit me… I had an “ah ha” moment. DJ TANNER FACED THIS VERY PROBLEM…. Maybe the help I need is contained in her exploits. I instantly aborted from my “Facts of Life” haze, and began my search of “Full House episodes” with a newfound fire in my heart.

The answer to my prayers was found in Season 4, episode 8. The aptly named, “Shape up”. Even the title of the episode screams, “hope”. During the episode, DJ’s rag a muffin of a best friend, “Kimmie Gibbler”, is planning her birthday party, and decides on a pool party. A pool party!!!??? Leave it to punk ass Kimmie Gibbler to look out only for herself. Kimmie knows that DJ Tanner is not bathing suit ready. What is DJ supposed to do? I will tell you what she is supposed to do. DJ, our hero, is supposed to binge diet and work her ass off at the gym, that’s what. This was my ah ha moment. Why didn’t I think of this before? In times of trouble, I need to start with “WWDJTD” (What would DJ Tanner Do). I will tell you what she would do, she would work herself out to the point of exhaustion, pass out, and fall off her exercise bike, like a fucking champion! She sustained herself on a diet of mostly foliage and water, and exercised 3 times a day. Jesus, I wish I had her will power. I am no DJ Tanner, but I am trying to be.

So this gives me two weeks and 4 days before I see my oldest and closest friends. People I love as if they were my own blood. 2 weeks and 4 days to drop as much weight as I can in order to rub shit in their dumb fucking faces. 18 days of the DJ Tanner diet, and I will be ready to strut into that place like a jerry curl free AC Slater, instead of a dumpy Natalie Green. My ultimate goal of course is to get my body, mind and soul in line to mix some “Beverly Hills 90210” into my life coaching. However, in my current condition I am way to Andrea Zuckerman to be using “Beverly Hills 90210” as a life track. I will incorporate this show when I have a bit more Steve Sanders in me. My ego cant take being Andrea Zuckerman, that fucking geek.. but until the day when I can find my inner Steve Sanders, Uncle Jessie take the wheel.