Grunty, thrusty, goodness

I am fatter than gods worst case scenario of how fat, fat people would get. That’s a sad state of affairs. I say this because my weight is breaking my bodies structural integrity. I have been struggling with some lower back issues for most of the past 5 years. I have the wonderful genetic gift of carrying all of my weight between my chin and pelvis. It’s like my body is building a giant front porch but the rest of my body is about as sturdy as a mobile home.  Considering I have been over weight for all but 2 years of my life, that means I have spent 38 years smuggling a bowling ball around under my shirt. At some points in my life, I have been smuggling bowling balls. Plural. As I get older, my body is less able to carry this excess weight.

The first issues came from the fact that carrying extra weight has compressed areas of my spine. Due to this compression I have had some bulging disc problems, as well as arthritis. Arthritis? Isn’t that for old people? Apparently, if you apply years of pressure to carbon, you get a diamond. If you add years of pressure to your spine, you get a shitty spine that is 30 years older than it should be. There are days when my lower back is so swollen and sore, that you can actually feel a giant bump at the base of my spine. Wait, I can feel the swollen bulge… ME… I can. Please do not just walk up and rub the top of my butt. Fuck it, if you want to, you can too. This was almost selfish of me. You all get booty rubbing carte blanche.

Another issue with spending years overweight, is that carrying extra weight in your gut causes your spine some stress during what should be innocuous movements. Its basic anatomy. Your vertebra are designed to cover a certain distance when you bend your back. Add extra weight to your torso, extra mass, and those vertebrae have to stretch and space out further to allow you to bend over. This can lead to degenerative disc disorder, and is taxing on your musculoskeletal structure.

I have also noticed that in order to carry the extra weight, I have compensated for the added strain by adjusting my posture. I stand in a way that helps relieve the pressure on my knees, hips, and back… but  this has caused my muscles to develop different than they were intended. My posture is horrific due to the strain of carrying excess weight. When I was younger, my body could adapt to my new stance. However, years of bad posture and strain from supporting excess weight has caused so much pressure on my back that the muscles have had to “relearn” how to support my body. Our bodies do what they have to in order to adjust to injuries and ailments. Being overweight is no different. Our bodies adapt to changes, good or bad. My body has changed how it supports itself due to the excess weight I have, as well as the way I carry it. Also, grab a weight and hold it on front of you. Now start extending your arms. As you hold the weight further and further from your body, it puts more and more of a strain on your structural support. This is no different with your body weight. The more weight we carry, the more of a strain we put on our body just to hold us up.

There is good news!!! We can lose the weight that is causing us so much pain. Sure enough, as I lose weight, my back is hurting MORE and in new and fun ways. Wait. WTF!!! Thanks for nothing, body. It turns out that as my center of gravity, and weight distribution change, my body needs to readjust to how I am carrying my body weight. You know what is super motivating? Losing weight and building muscle only to find I am now having new and worse issues as I try to improve my health. My back use to have a dull ache all the time. I woke up stiff, but could do some stretching and my body would slowly loosen up and hurt less. I had adapted to the extra weight, so even though it was hard on my body, I was used to it. Now, as my body’s posture starts to change, I am starting to have spasms that cause me to stop in my tracks. I also find that I have 1-3 hours of intense pain in my back after workouts. The pain in my lower back can be so intense that it radiates down to my knees. Granted, this is going to be helpful long term.. I know this. Part of getting to the place where my body doesn’t hurt, is reshaping and repairing my body. My body is relearning how to support itself. This is a rough realization. My body weight was so out of control, that it changed my structural make up. My muscles have to adapt to me being at a healthy weight. Ugh.. that’s rough.

There are things I can do to aid this process. I have a whole routine for repairing my back. I actually sought professional opinions on this process too. I assumed that simply stretching, and doing core workouts would strengthen my back. Dead lifts, crunches, leg lifts, and planks. However, I am learning the body doesn’t really work that  way. Its not this simple.  Our entire muscular system works together to support us. I had a chiropractor, and a physical therapist both tell me, that my lower body is under developed and is causing most of my pain. My hamstrings, calves, and ass have all been neglected, which means they are insufficiently aiding in the support of my body. So along with my core work, I need to be doing squats, roman dead lifts, and hamstring curls… as well as lunges which I fucking hate.

Today… today I had a minor social hiccup in my stretching routine. I spent an entire week sitting through corporate meetings in Florida. This means I also sat on airplanes for 6 hour flights to and from Orlando. By the time I got home, I could barely walk. I needed so much extra work. A big part of my pain relief process involves a thorough and extensive stretching session. I spend a significant amount of time everyday using the foam rollers and therapy balls which are meant to really work out knots and release fluids from the muscles. It’s akin to breaking down tissues, much like a massage. I have been doing these stretches and rolling out the knots at the gym in the designated stretching area, which my gym has a great stretching and muscle relief area. Anyone who has rolled out painful muscular issues knows that it hurts. You really have to concentrate on the muscles and isolate which areas need focused work. During this process, I tend to make some intense faces, and have been known to grunt. This isn’t exclusive to me. Most people who are rehabbing an injury have grunted through their exercises when they reach a painful part of the process. However, today during the foam rolling session, I got lost in my own thoughts as I really worked to release the pain in my back. I had the foam roller under my left hip/ass cheek. I had to position my legs pretty far apart before I felt the hip and back muscles start to engage. I had the bottoms of my feet planted firmly on the ground, and was slowly but powerfully driving my pelvis forward and back… and just when I got to the point where I could really feel the muscle engaging and stretching, I heard a noise. At first I was only subconsciously registering the mouse like “uhh hummm”. My eyes were mostly open, only they were slightly squinted with concentration. Teeth clenched, and brow furrowed. I softly heard it again…. “uhhh hummm”. Slowly but surely the sound started traveling from the back of my subconscious, to the forefront of my mind… louder and louder I heard it build… “UHHH  HUMMM”. Finally I came to the realization that someone was trying to get my attention. I looked up to see 4 gorgeous younger mothers standing in front of me, with less than inviting expressions on their faces. What have I done, I wondered? Do I know these women? Did steal their parking space? This is when I realized that the stretching area of my gym also happens to face the rooms where Yoga, Barre, and Spin take place. My therapeutic routine had been doubling as an unappreciated all pelvis thrusting show about 6 minutes before a yoga class was set to start. As is the norm, a group of women had gathered outside the class waiting to be let in. It hit me that I was rolling back and forth with my ass directly on top of the foam roller, my legs split apart at about a 45 degree separation, with an extremely intense look on my face, all while slowly thrusting my pelvis in the direction of these women and grunting like a perverted reimagining of Billy Bob Thorton’s character in Slingblade. It was wildly unpopular.

Long story short, I feel like I sort of assaulted these women. Do I need to take an offenders class? Do I need to notify my neighbors when I move? They absolutely weren’t happy with the show I was forcing them to watch. It was like they were forced into a sort of Clockwork Orange style viewing of my angry/grunty/thrusty stretching routine.

The best part is that my back is sore, and I need to go roll it out again. Just remember ladies, the 7 oclock show is completely different than the 3 oclock show.