Like a Swiss Army knife for emotions. Mourning. Love. Appreciation. Celebration. Consummation...

April 19, 2018. Mark this date on your calendar. When I saw that this day was coming, it changed my whole outlook toward the world. The sky was a little bit bluer, and the water tasted a little bit cleaner. Sometimes holidays have special meaning. Sometimes holidays touch me so much, that even the preparation for them becomes more festive and cathartic. With all of the bullshit we deal with on a day to day basis, we need reminders to stop and appreciate how amazing life can truly be. This is the most spiritual of national holidays. 

April 19, 2018, is National High Five day. Anyone who knows me, knows the place that the High Five holds in my heart. It is the ultimate expression. The High Five use to be such a “bro dude” gesture.. but now that status is reserved for the fist bump. Fist bump?! What, are we Neanderthals?! Slamming fists is for the corvette/tank top/backward cap crew. So archaic. But the High Five is the epitome of class and fanciness. 

High Fives can be used to celebrate a victory, or express gratitude, or show love for a human, or mourn the loss of a loved one. It is the Swiss Army Knife of emotional outlets. 

-          You got married! High Five!

-          You love me too! High Five

-          I do… you may now High Five the bride

-          Your cousin died… drag… She was an amazing woman… High Five.

-      You had a great workout! High Five!

In fact, just last week I had a cathartic and bonding High Five moment. That son of a bitch Chris tried to fist bump me after my workout. I know he was reaching out to bridge the divide. But I do not fist bump. Being the enlightened and magnanimous soul that I am, I olive branched the shit out of him, and screamed “WE HIGH FIVE IN THIS FAMILY” and we slapped hands in a thunderous crash that sent rippling waves of orgasmic lightening across the entire gym. He is a little less shitty today because of that High Five.

You want to build my spirits, High Five. You want to console my failures, High Five. You want to show me you love me, High Five.

Listen, I am a natural born hugger, but I find that people see my sweaty embrace as off putting. I would love to wrestle peoples stress or angst away with my polar bear-esq embrace, but this is apparently frowned upon. And my attempts to consummate everything has been WILDLY unpopular too. So for now, while it is the most intimate people will accept me being... HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND!!!!