Yakity Sax Savior

Although I am not the most religious man, I do believe every person gets a healthy dose of both “New Testament Jesus” as well as “Old Testament Jesus”… or for those of you who are struggling to keep up, “kind, shepherd of man, Jesus” and “vengeful, fire and brimstone, Jesus”.. what I mean by this is we all get tests, as well as guidance. Like me, you don’t have to be religious to see these patterns. There are times we get more than we can handle in order to test our fortitude and allow us to grow, as well times that the universe seems to speak to us and show us the easy path to growth. Religious or not, we all get tests as well as smooth sailing.

However, I seem to be in the select few who only get “Yakity Sax Jesus”… I mean, the Lord gotta laugh too. My entire life has been a series of calamities.

I have.

-          Run through a sliding glass door, and only required a few stitches. I was 4.

-          Flown from the hood of my own moving car in high school. I landed on my feet, but momentum carried me backward and I landed on my head, and walked away without injury.

-          Fallen’ through the roof of a porta potty onto a strange woman’s back. Minus a few stitches, I was completely fine (although I imagine I ruined porta pottys for her, forever)

I think my friend Jared put it best when he said “I have spent my whole life watching you get hurt in hilarious ways, but never once seen you actually get injured”. The point is, I feel God is having a ton of fun watching me.. like I am his own personal Chris Farley. I am somewhere between a super hero, and Mr Bean. Hell, I am named “Ed Kiester”… That name feels so made up. The only person who should have this name is either the obnoxious character in a formulaic comedy, or a porn star. 

How does this apply to my physical fitness? Well, I decided to expand my horizons today. I had this still small voice whispering in my ear, “Ed, keep it fresh, try something new.. grow.. progress, you douche”. I felt like it was divine intervention at the time, but in hind sight I can tell I was being set up. I do have a tendency to stick in my comfort zone, and I believe this is a perfectly ok approach to fitness. Do physical activities that you enjoy and will keep doing. Be consistent. However, I know there may be other things I haven’t tried, and would enjoy, and for some reason I decided to start now. 

This is when I had a kismet moment. I had the teacher of a class at my gym reach out to me. We will call her… hmmmm…. “Charity”. Charity teaches a class called “Body Combat” (this name maybe a trademarked thing… I am not sure).. Body combat is a mix of cardio and strength training set to a self-defense/boxing format. This felt like something I can do. NOPE… not at all true. I just spent the last hour getting my ass kicked. And because me dripping in sweat and gasping for air isn’t funny enough to our Lord, the entire class is filled with approx. 20 attractive women. It was basically the real life version of every high school nightmare I ever had. Only in the high school nightmare version, I have no clothes on. 20 attractive women doing an exercise class in unison while I struggle not to die with all the grace of an epileptic moose. 

The class was 60 minutes long, and at the 40 minute mark, I had the most religious experience of my life. I had a vision. I called out to God to “just let me die! Fat people have heart attacks all the time.. I would appreciate it if you can drop one of those on me now”. Having a heart attack would save me the embarrassment of floundering through the last 15 minutes, or walking out. Just then, Jesus appeared in front of me holding a bag of M&M’s with a little popcorn in his glorious beard. Just as I suspected, I am the comedic relief in his divine plan. He spoke. “Eddie” he said.. “No, I won’t let you die.. this show is way too good to end now... BTW, have you noticed that Charity is calmly and clearly shouting instructions to you? You are out of breath, and looking absurd in front of all these women, and she is up there doing the same exercises only twice as vigorously, and she ain’t even breathing hard”.. he then blinked and nodded his head, and at that exact moment a tiny fart slipped out of me. Jesus laughed until he cried. That’s right, John 11:35 “Jesus Wept”, had a whole new meaning to me.

Just as suddenly as he appeared, he was gone. I snapped back to reality. As I was doing my routine of; step, jab, kick, and upper cutting I looked in the mirror and I was covered in sweat. My knees were pretty sore, and I could feel my heart racing. I imagine it was actually a pretty good show. I was obviously not prepared for this. Not that I thought I would kill the class, I know I was in the worst shape of anyone in class, but I thought I would have a better showing than I did today.  

I am signed up for next Friday too. Salvation is all about having your own personal relationship with God, and apparently I am God’s “Benny Hill”… might as well embrace it.