Porta-Potty Paratrooper.

This post has very little to do with my struggles with weight, but is a follow up to one of my posts from last week. I have been receiving an average of about 1000-1500 views per post,  and with that, comes correspondence from people. I appreciate every email, and comment, and twitter message, and Instagram message, and phone call. I may not respond to everyone because.. how do I put this… I just don’t want to. I will reply to whatever I god damn please. However, the most emailed about topic, by a wide margin, is an innocuous incident I mentioned in of my posts. I have received 31 separate communications inquiring about one specific incident I mentioned.

The incident I am referring to is when I said

-          “I have fallen’ through the roof of a porta potty onto a strange woman’s back. Minus a few stitches, I was completely fine (although I imagine I ruined porta pottys for her, forever)”

The overwhelming consensus from people is that I made this up for the post. Like I was trying to be outrageous. You all are some skeptical fuckers. I responded to a few of the texts and emails but I don’t have a tendency to play nice with others, and the novelty of responding to separate comments on the same topic wore off pretty quick.

Here is the official story:

Part 1: Uncontested Events

In the summer of 1999, 4 of my best friends and I attended an all-day outdoor rock festival together, along with a young woman that one of my friends had invited along. The list of bands was like; Silverchair, Megadeth, Rob Zombie, System of a Down, Primus… basically a long list of suburban white angsty guy music. Anyone who has been to a show like this knows how exhausting they can be. I basically spent 8 hours being tossed around the pit like the clown in a white trash rodeo.

The actual incident took place as we were preparing to leave. At the old Portland Meadows, the only exit required a ¾ mile walk up and around a 10 foot tall chain link fence, followed by a ¾ mile walk back in the same direction you just came from. That’s correct, what I am saying is that the parking lot was 20 feet away from where the concert is taking place, but it is on the other side of a 10 foot tall chain link fence.

By the end of the show, none of us in our group were in the mood to fight the crowd of stinky sweaty miscreants, and we opted to scale the fence instead. Where we were standing, a long row of porta-pottys were secured to the chain link fence. Part of me thinks that this was meant to act as a barrier of sorts, but you can only be so effective at stopping adrenaline ridden 20something jack offs from doing stupid shit. So we actually used the porta-pottys to help us scurry up the fence.

I don’t know how many of you have been on top of a porta-potty, but here is a word of advice for you if you do ever find yourself up there. Straddle the sides of the roof… do not stand in the exact center. The roof is a thin shit of hard plastic, and not meant to support the weight of a grown man. So straddling the edges of the roof gives you the added support of the walls beneath…….

WAIT… pause… Fuck, I forgot a very important detail. I was NOT a fat man when this happened. Leaving this detail out would be huge. I know that reading this, you were probably thinking “no shit you fell through the roof.. the designers of porta-pottys never imagined a damn water buffalo would find its way on top of one.” First of all, mean.. Second of all, this incident fell in the small window of time where I was in shape. I was probably a svelte 165-170lbs.

Anyway, where was I, oh yes.. I was straddling the roof and preparing to jump over the last 3 feet of fence and land on the other side. Just then I looked down and noticed that the young lady we had brought was still standing on the ground, and all of my friends were already standing safely on the other side of the fence. Being the gentlem… well… being the “not a total son of a bitch” that I am, I bent over and pulled her up to the top of the porta-potty. This is when shit hit the fan. The woman stumbled a small, meaningless, stumble. However, as she stumbled, she leaned against me for support. In doing so, I lost my balance, and had to step to the next porta-potty over, in order to avoid falling back down to the ground. The problem with this is that I couldn’t take the time to straddle the roof. Both of my feet landed dead center in the middle of the roof. I instantly felt the roof give….

PART 2: Differing views

Perception is key here. The next part of the story depends on the point of view you witnessed it from.

Jared and Jerred will tell you I shot through the roof in an instant (yes, two of my best friends are both named Jared/Jerred.. thank god Jerred spells Jared like a fucking martian so its easy to type stories about them). They make it sound like I was wished into my place inside the potty by a magician.. now you see me, now you don’t. Jerred paints a picture of hearing the roof give, and me just disappearing. Jared makes it sound more like he had no idea what happened. He doesn’t claim to have heard anything, and I disappeared so fast that he couldnt accurately assess where I had gone.

My perception was wildly different. I don’t know how long it took me to fall, but I distinctly remember 5 separate phases of fall.

1)      I felt the roof bubble downward. I knew that the structure was no match for my weight.

2)      I had time to decide “I need to make a blind jump over the fence now, and just deal with the landing when it happens”

3)      I felt the roof give as I tried to spring over the fence. My jumping motion made the roof crumble faster. 

4)      I hung in the air like a real life Wiley Coyote… all I needed was some acme brand rocket shoes, and a dumb fucking sign

5)      I felt the roof break in stages too…. My feet went through, then my hips caught the roof and broke through, and I distinctly remember grabbing the roof  in a last ditch effort to save myself. I remember this due to the searing pain that came from a piece of the roof going almost all the way through my hand.  

Part 3: The landing, and landing in ER

As I was falling, I became terrified of the damage and pain that would come from crashing to the ground. Luckily, a woman was leaving the porta-potty just as I was entering from above. I landed half on her back, like a deranged spider monkey. I had my hands and arms hugging her shoulders, and my right leg was wrapped half around her waist. My left leg was not so lucky. How do I say this tactfully? My left leg went half way up the shin into the shitter, and was covered with an entire days worth of drunkin idiot piss and shit. Oops, I guess that’s not how I say that tactfully.

As I draped over the woman, the door swung open and we poured out of the outhouse. Her giant biker boyfriend in a slayer shirt was standing there looking confused. He screamed “You better fucking get out of here before I kick your ass”. With a click of my heals, and a song in my heart, I turned and jumped the fence in one bound. No joke, I grabbed the fence at head level, and jumped and pulled and flung over the fence before my friends even fully comprehended what happened. I landed on the other side… oh god.. I can see it clear as day. Jerred was walking back and forth across the fence, trying to peak through (it was 10 at night and hard to see) as he called out my name. Jared however, that’s a different story. He was literally laying on the ground laughing. HE HAD FUCKING TEARS POURING FROM HIS EYES. I walked up to them and they got wide eyed as they surveyed the damage. I was standing infront of them with, blood running down my hand and dripping on to the dry dusty ground, a frazzled look on my face, and a leg half soaking with excrement.

Once they realized what happened, they decided to take me to the hospital. I doth protest. I wanted to go home and have my 68 year old sadistic father sew me up. He was a retired dr with a serious case of the fuck arounds. He would have gotten a kick out of all of this. But I was out voted and they took me to a hospital. Jared, tore my pant leg off and helped me remove my shoe. He left them in the parking lot and a stranger picked them up and tried to return them, but we politely declined the shit soaked gift. We decided that porta-potty findings probably aren’t the best things to have get in to a giant wound, so bless his heart, Jared helped me remove these things. So we ended up in the ER at 11:30 at night. I had to walk in with one pant leg, and my shirt off and wrapped around my hand. Nurse after nurse came in to interview me about the incident, and at one point I said “why do so many of you need this story when only one of you is cleaning my wound and stitching me up". Turns out, they got a kick out of it, and kept sending nurses in to hear it.

So there it is… my experience of falling through a porta-potty, on to a womans back. It is a real thing, that really happened.

Side note:

I worked for my dads recycling company at this point in my life. Because of the wound, I had to wear rubber gloves for a month. During this short window, we had someone attempt to recycle 50-60 rubber phalluses. Discarded dildo’s and rubber penises aren’t something you want to grab free hand, but a millimeter thick latex glove, um… ok. I instantly called it a day. I took the penises home and dumped them in the bathtub along with all the cleaners I could find. I happened to share an apartment with Jared. He came home from work, walked into the house, and peaked his head into the bathroom out of curiosity due to the over whelming smell of chemicals coming from it. His eyes were perfection. He was looking down on his best friend and roommate, as I was soaking 50+ penises in a ¼ full bathtub that was bubbling from the ill-advised mixture of chemicals. I’ve never seen a person who was sooooo proud, and sooo disappointed all at once. The crown jewel was a 2 foot long, 10 lb one that I still own to this day. We took that thing to parties, and camping trips, and road trips… it was our mascot.

I never would have had that glorious 2 foot penis, had I not fallen through that porta-potty roof. I want this on my tombstone.