Tummy Drums

A fat man walked into the gym... He had a planned workout to do, and he did it… the end.

Fuck, I wish that was the real story. But not today. The real story TODAY is a bit different than ideal. The first workout on my list was the dead lift. I had a very specific plan to start by concentrating on the center of my body and work outward from there.. the idea being to work major muscle groups in a series of fast paced exercises meant to get my heart rate up. Build lean muscle mass and burn fat stores. However, as I walked over to my first station, I instantly realized today would not be my normal, insecurity free day. My gym has 3 squat racks next to each other near the front right of the gym.. just behind those are a row of assault stationary bikes. As I walked over to claim my spot, I noticed that the far right rack was being used by a world class marathoner, and the far left rack was being used by a retired NBA lottery pick… if being sandwiched between world class athletes wasn’t awkward enough, there were two beautiful women using the assault bikes behind the squat racks.

I am working on overcoming my demons. In a perfect world I would have tuned out the highly conditioned athletes to either side, and had no problem with the fact that my workout basically consisted of me mooning whoever has the misfortune of standing behind me. I usually don’t care that, as fat people know, our bodies are not made in a manner where clothing can always remain in the proper place during some workouts. There was a perfect set of conditions brewing for a fat man butt crack exhibit. Again, In a perfect world, this would be a nonissue.. but that’s not the world we live in, is it. I stood in contemplation for a good 5-10 minutes as to what I was going to do. Do I say “fuck it” and carry out my workout as planned? Do I tune out everyone like I usually would and hope that eventually I get into my groove and begin to truly ignore everyone? The only way to make this decision was by doing a quick but thorough assessment of my physical presence…

-          Shorts feeling too tight and riding up my ass… check

-          T shirt clinging to my body and attempting to convert itself into a crop top… check

-          Do I look as though my gym attire was picked out by Scotty from Boogie Nights… check

I quickly realized that I wasn’t mentally equipped to do this. Instead, of my planned workout, I changed my focus on the fly. So today, I re-racked some of the weights in the area by the free weights. I then sat and watched an exercise class in the studio B area.. at which time I also learned I can play the opening to “Hot for Teacher” on my tummy-drum. I did mix in a few reps of sporadic and non-sequential exercises. I had lost my focus pretty easily. But this was a good lesson for me. I need to start preparing plan B’s. Most days I would have blasted my music in my headphones and strutted up the squat rack just oozing bravado… tuned everyone else out, and lifted away. I rarely care about other people’s opinions. But today was one of those days where I did care. And because these days exist, plan B’s need to exist too. Hell, I think a lot of people work out on the fly… I rarely see people work out with the appearance of a well thought out plan. But that’s just me being judgmental and making assumptions.

As for having a plan B. I often tell people “when ideal has left town, what’s the next best option”. Nothing in life ever seems to go as planned… so having a plan B is important. I have decided to create an alternate workout for every workout I intend to do.

Today’s planned workout was a total body series of 10 by 10’s (a 10 by 10 is when you do 10 sets of 10 reps in 10 minutes… each set starts on the minute… the point is to get each set down as fast, and true to form, as possible so you can have a few remaining seconds to give your muscles a tiny bit of rest)

-          10 sets of 10 reps of deadlifts down

-          10 sets of 10 reps of hammer press bench press

-          10 sets of 10 reps of lat pull downs

-          10 sets of 10 reps of sumo squats

-          10 sets of 10 reps shoulder press

This is a well thought out and effective workout… 50 minutes of resistance training done in a way that doubles as cardio. But the world is an imperfect place. Sometimes equipment is being used by someone else, or out of order. Sometimes you don’t want to spend 10-12 minutes showing your ass to beautiful young women. Sometimes, you need an alternative plan due to unforeseen circumstances.

So instead of setting myself up for failure, and creating a situation where minor hurdles derail me, I have created plan B’s to all of my workouts. The “plan B” for this workout is

-          10 sets of 10 reps of roman deadlifts with dumbbells

-          10 sets of 10 reps of cable flys

-          10 sets of 10 reps of rows

-          10 sets of 10 lunges

-          10 sets of 10 reps of shoulder flys

This works well for eating too. So often I go out to eat without a plan. This leads to trouble. I have to have my options laid out… I need to prepare better. There is very little I do without thinking it out. Why do I leave my health up to fate? How many times am I going to be out and about longer than intended but not have healthy options for snacks? All of my issues with my body are user error.