There is a hole in my scrotum

V is not for “victory”. V is not for “valor”. V IS for “victim”… also maybe for “Voly Vucking Vhit, vy Valls Vurt”. That’s right, today I got my vasectomy. It is about time too. I never understood men who put this off. Why? Now there are absolutely ZERO consequences to unprotected sex with multiple partners. I was neutered today. Well, I became electively  sterile today, but there isn’t a vas deference between the two. THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, that’s a testicle tubes play on words!!! Outstanding artistry. PS.. I am writing this while high on Oxy, so it may get away from me a time or two. But this is a monologue, I can say whatever I want. Don’t be selfish.

I want to share my experience with you so as to ease the stigmas, and fears that surround vasectomies. Men have so many weird hang ups about their dicks and balls. There is no need. Manhood has almost nothing to do with your penis (Yes, I understand that this comment is in the “guys with small dicks hall of fame”).

My process started out on a brisk Saturday morning. The fact that this was done on a Saturday drew the attention of my friends. They thought it was odd that a surgical procedure would be done on a Saturday.. and honestly, I don’t know if it is or not. This is my first, and hopefully only, vasectomy. I did think this was weird once I really thought about it though. Would my doctor be hung over from the night before? Would he be pissed that he drew the short straw and had to work on Saturday... I don't need a disgruntled dude stabbing at my dong? Would I be getting this done in the urgent care? Wtf. When I arrived, I actually asked my Doctor why we were doing this on a Saturday, and he told me that so many men get them that they have to schedule them on Saturdays as well. That means there are a lot of guns out there shooting blanks.

The procedure itself is really easy. The hardest part was standing in the middle of the room, wearing only my t shirt, and a smile, as I discussed music choices with the surgical tech. Our eyes locked, as we debated "Midnight Marauders" vs "Low End Theory", while I was unpleasantly pants-less. I feel like this is how 90% of high school girls would describe their first sexual experience. 

I climbed onto the table awkwardly, because that is the only way to crawl onto a table while naked and chatting with a dude standing behind you. Tad is now one of a very short list of people who has seen me from this position.

The procedure itself is standard. The only pain you’re supposed to feel is the shot of numbing agent applied directly to your scrotum. However, because the shot didn’t fully take effect, the worst part for me was feeling the doctor cut through my vas deference. It was less than pleasant… I screamed fuck and jumped away. Sudden movements while a man grips the inside of your package is ill advised.. but once they applied more numbing agent, I was good as new.

My very favorite part of the procedure was when I saw that the doctor and his surgical tech were bobbing their heads to “Electric Relaxation” by Tribe Called Quest, while they were working attentively on my scrotum and the tech was gripping my shaft. I asked the Doctor “Do you have my vas deference outside my body right now”… he responded, “yes, I am cauterizing the ends now”… I found this outstanding. I actually chuckled aloud. How funny. I love that he was burning the tips of my severed semen tubes while bobbing along to Tribe. I never thought this would be a thing that happened.

Men. Get this taken care of when you are done having kids. Condoms are stupid, and birth control is not a burden women should carry alone. Chemically altering their bodies should not be the only long-term answer. A vasectomy is not a big deal. Here is a time line of unpleasant parts of the process

-          Naked conversations with strange men

-          Commercials on the “90’s hip hop” Pandora station they play for you

-          Hearing how “its not a big deal if you get an erection” while the surgical tech smears ICE COLD disinfectant gel on your taint and shaft

-          Having a needle jammed into your scrotum

Really, that’s it… that’s the hard part. I know some jack hole is going to chime in with a story of infection that they got. But leave your anecdotal one off, super rare, experience out of this. Just learn how to properly wash your privates, and shut the fuck up.