Friday, October 26, 2018

Panty Dropping 101: New Edition/Johnny Gill/Keith Sweat


I rarely have my own best interest in mind. If regaining my health was solely for me, I would end up having to be cut out of my own house. Pizza, five guys, beer, French toast, captain crunch, diet coke, waffles, burritos, ice cream, any form of fried potatoes, pork, peanut butter cups, my dad’s Coney dogs <- these are my 13 reasons why. Apparently, I love bad foods more than I like being alive.


This journey has been so hard for me because I so often get bogged down in how far the finish line feels. I have been more successful this time, because I am more concentrating on enjoying the journey than mourning that I am not at the destination.

Life is about the little things. Take this last weekend for example. Abe, my 11 year old son, had his first middle school dance. To make this event even more significant, he also has his first girlfriend. A few days before the dance, he informed me that a tall blonde-haired girl pulled him aside and announced that he was going to be her boyfriend. I could see how proud/nervous/excited he was and it melted me. On top of that, he asked me to chaperone the dance so I could meet her. These are the small moments that make me happy.

I have had the genuine fear of being the “fat dad” that my kids would be embarrassed to have around their friends. I know this is mostly born of my own insecurities, but we all know how ruthless kids can be. It would have haunted me forever to not be in a position to share these things with Abe.

The fun began with the buildup before the dance. Abe asked me all about my first girlfriend, and first kiss. I gave him the full story:
I told him about sitting at the Aloha Theater watching a double feature of “The Fisher King” and the Steven Seagal classic “Under Siege”. The girl I kissed went to a different junior high, and we only got to hang out when she visited her dad and step sisters who introduced us. I haven’t seen her since I was 13, but she reads this blog so I will change her name to mask her identity… we will call her Shmacy Shwhite… (you’re welcome Tracy). When we got to the movie, Matt Hickox and Kacey Kerger sat in the row in front of us. As I kissed Shmacy, I knew no one at school would believe me… it could not go unwitnessed. Every soft pink virgin ever has told tales of “the mystery girl from another school”... So I flailed and kicked at Matt’s chair until he turned around to see me kissing her. Matt gave me thumbs up, which I know about because I had my eyes open the entire time.

Abe cackled and laughed through my entire story. He asked me all about how I got the nerve to make the move, and how I knew she wanted me to kiss her. I was open about consent and how any hint of a no NEEDS to result in an instant ejection from the current activities. I told him “I knew she was ok with the courtship because 15 minutes before I kissed her, she placed my hand on her boob”. I also had spent the entire lapse of time between the hand placement, and the kiss, counting backwards from 3 and mumbling “fucking kiss her already” quietly under my breath. I couldn’t have made my intentions more obvious short of holding a neon sign saying “I AM ABOUT TO KISS YOU”. She had ample time to say “no thank you”… but my game had her body screaming, “yes, please” (gross).

The day of the dance was the best though. I created the quintessential “hook up” playlist.
-                          -  Bobby Brown
-                          -  Keith Sweat
-                          -   New Edition
-                          -  Tony Tone Toni
-                          - Ginuwine
-                          -  Blackstreet (no diggity? No doubt)
-                          -  Boyz II Men (have you ever noticed that the grunt at the beginning of “Motown Philly” sounds like a dude climaxing? Its fitting that the album starts this way, because the rest of the album is akin to an audible post coital cuddle)
-                          - Toni Braxton

Before we drove to the dance I set the mood by letting Abe listen to this. Well, “made” is more accurate. I could see the glee in him the entire evening. The best part of the night was watching him hold her hand. He tried to hide this from me by only holding her hand when on the opposite side of the courtyard from me. He failed to realize that no matter how dark it was, I could tell which couple was them because his girlfriend is easily 18 inches taller than him. The logistics of holding her hand created a scenario where his hand was higher than his shoulder, because he didn’t want to make her lean down.

This. This is the reason I am working so hard to improve my health. I have found that focusing on the “why” makes the “how” so much easier. Focusing on feeling good, and enjoying the little moments has made my workouts so much more tolerable. Plus, now I have been listening to this new playlist at the gym, and the charge of sexual energy is improving my workouts.   

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