20 years of failures... Part 2.. Common Fatties

I use mean and weighted words when I speak about my struggles with weight. The list of reasons why contains both positives, and negatives. But before I get to far in to my own feelings and reactions toward myself, we need to address how I got where I am.

Perspective is created from our own personal journeys. It is no coincidence that geographical regions produce trends and cultural norms, or why religion/education/political affiliation/global outlook/etc…. tend to be passed down from generation to generation, and why progress is an evolutionary process. Our realities are born from what we perceive and experience growing up. Our realities are also born from how we define and value words. I find it lazy when people talk about “common sense”… very few things are universally accepted and understood. We evolve and develop our intellect throughout our journeys. Some things that are inherently accepted by one person, are a struggle to comprehend for another. This can be complicated further by the fact that no two people have the same starting lines…

Some people have a socioeconomic head start

Some people have an inherent intellectual advantages

Some people have a geographical advantage

Some people have biological advantages

Some people have gender advantages (based on privileges and rights and expectations that can come with gender related bias and laws)

We shouldn’t expect to be excellent at everything. We also shouldn’t gage ourselves against other people. We are not fighting the same battles. We need to understand that so many issues out of our control have shaped who and why we are. I think we need to take the positives from unity and support, while also remembering that we all have circumstances in our journey that are unique.

Have you ever met, or heard about, a “smart dumb person”. Intelligence is not universal or equally applied to every aspect of our lives. One of the most common “logical fallacies” is the appeal to authority… or false authority. Being educated in one arena, or successful, does not make a person a universal intellectual. I wouldn’t hire a surgeon to fix my car. I don’t expect that just because a person has shown excellence, or is educated in one field, that they have an equal knowledge base in all other areas of life. This can also be rephrased as “being insufficient in one area of our lives, does not make us insufficient in ALL areas of our lives”. This logical fallacy needs to be applied to ourselves as well. To expect that every aspect of my life would be handled with equal ability, or that my efforts/intelligence/and productivity would be applied equally to every aspect of my life is naïve. So why do I feel that failing in one aspect of my life, makes me a failure? Why do so many people I talk to hate to admit failure in one aspect of their lives or another? I think I do this because I feel that admitting weakness, is seen by many as being weak. This is not the case though. Denying weakness, or failing to acknowledge it, is weak. Anger is weak. Confronting your own perceived deficiencies, is hard. Working to understand how, and why, is strong.

I also believe in the power of intellectual honesty. I cant “fix” that which I don’t admit is “broken”.

With all of this being said… I can comfortably say “my brain is broken when it comes to losing weight”. This does NOT mean I am a moron. Fuck, maybe I am. No one thinks they are stupid…  I don’t personally believe I am, and I am comfortable enough with that. I do think there are things I am fucking stupid about. And what I mean by this is that I knowingly act outside my own best interest sometimes. But the point is, I get to decide if that is bad. I get to decide what is important to me. I have ideas and goals. I am not accomplishing some of these goals. The barrier is clearly a monster of my own design. I have all of the physical abilities, and gifts needed to accomplish any physical goal that I truly want.

How? How is my brain preventing me from accomplishing my goals? I actually finally believe I have an understanding of how I am stopping my progress. The problem is, I have a sprinter mentality. Some people are wired for long term thinking… some people are wired for short term focus. I am the latter. My focus is hard to keep channeled. I can’t rely on me. I will stray. The worst part is, it isn’t a conscious decision I make to eat bad. I just haven’t been able to reset my defaults. I instinctively grab horrific, nutrition free, food. I operate out of the id. Impulse react… impulse react. I also struggle with success. My struggles with weight have similar pitfalls as struggles with depression. Many people who take depression meds, go through a vicious cycle of on again off again med usage. While on the drugs they feel ok which can cause some sufferers to feel that they can stop taking the medications, and then slowly they start regress back into a state of depression. I go through this too. As I start to see success at getting my weight under control, I let my guard down and start regressing again. I need to keep working to fix the default settings in my brain. I need to develop the tools it takes to change my way of thinking. This journey I am on is to set life long changes.

I see this as my brain being “broken” in regards to my own health. Acknowledging that I struggle with the mental skills it requires to maintain a healthy lifestyle, is the first step in repairing my habits. I don’t believe in sugar coating words. I don’t say my brain is broken out of self-pity. I don’t say my brain is broken to remove personal responsibility. I don’t say my brain is broken as a reflection of my overall intelligence or self-worth. I say my brain is broken because I have goals, and I haven’t figured out how to make myself accomplish these goals. My thought patterns and mental nature are getting in my way. I have found that adding patch worked fragments of information and haphazard application of  healthy habits, don’t work on for me in the long term. I need to rip the structure apart and rebuild. I need to completely rewire how I operate in terms of health habits. I need to retrain my brains defaults. I need to create healthy habits AND make these habits become lifelong behaviors. This doesn’t mean I think I am a dolt. Intellect isn’t applied evenly. My patterns and habit related practices were not set correctly in terms of my health. This is not a reflection on any part of my life other than my health.

I sometimes feel that there is disconnect between some healthy people and some obese people. I don’t know that people who have never been obese can understand the feeling of desperation, and hopelessness that comes from being drastically overweight. It’s the whole empathy vs sympathy discussion. Fit people can hear stories of fatties eating ice cream and crying in the closet, but they cant know the grip that being overweight has on us. When a fit person discusses obesity, and gets in the mind of an obese person, they are a tourist… I fucking live here!!! Everything I do, is done under the shroud of being overweight.

The best example of this, is when I spent two years in shape. I felt more uncomfortable as a fit person, than I did ever did as an overweight person. At least as a fat ass, I knew who I was. Those two years I spent in shape, were spent in disbelief. I never trusted anyone who said they were proud of me. I would stare at myself in the mirror. Being fat was part of me. The neurosis surrounding being fat, that I had carried my whole life, didn’t disappear just because I was in shape. I was a fatty in sheeps clothing. I felt I was wearing a disguise. I believe this contributed to me reverting back to my comfortably disgusting habits. In order to make this a life time fix, I need to fix the cause, and not just address the symptoms. Fat isn’t the cause, fat is the symptom of unhealthy habits. I need to fix my brain… I need to change my sense of identity, as well as give myself the tools required for long term change. Repairing 38 years of bad habits, will require work. Whenever I think about this topic, I think of the song ‘Common People’ by Pulp

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge,
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College,
That's where I,
Caught her eye.
She told me that her Dad was loaded,
I said "In that case I'll have a rum and coca-cola."
She said "Fine."
And in thirty seconds time she said,

I want to live like common people,
I want to do whatever common people do,
I want to sleep with common people,
I want to sleep with common people,
Like you.

Well what else could I do
I said "I'll see what I can do."
I took her to a supermarket,
I don't know why,
But I had to start it somewhere,
So it started there.
I said pretend you've got no money,
She just laughed and said,
"Oh you're so funny."
I said "Yeah?
Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here.
Are you sure you want to live like common people,
You want to see whatever common people see,
You want to sleep with common people,
You want to sleep with common people,
Like me.

But she didn't understand,
She just smiled and held my hand.
Rent a flat above a shop,
Cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool,
Pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right,
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night,
Watching roaches climb the wall,
If you called your Dad he could stop it all.

You'll never live like common people,
You'll never do whatever common people do,
You'll never fail like common people,
You'll never watch your life slide out of view,
And dance and drink and screw,
Because there's nothing else to do.

Sing along with the common people,
Sing along and it might just get you through.
Laugh along with the common people,
Laugh along even though they're laughing at you,
And the stupid things that you do.
Because you think that poor is cool.

Like a dog lying in a corner,
They will bite you and never warn you,
Look out, they'll tear your insides out.
'Cause everybody hates a tourist,
Especially one who thinks it's all such a laugh,
Yeah and the chip stain's grease,
Will come out in the bath.

You will never understand
How it feels to live your life
With no meaning or control
And with nowhere left to go.
You are amazed that they exist
And they burn so bright,
Whilst you can only wonder why.
Rent a flat above a shop
Cut your hair and get a job
Smoke some fags and play some pool
Pretend you never went to school,
But still you'll never get it right
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night
And watching roaches climb the wall,
If you called your dad he could stop it all

Measurables... benchmarks... gut punches

I have made the decision to track and post tangible progress. I feel that there are two types of people..

Sprinters, and marathoners.

Sprinters are great for short distances, but lack long term focus or stamina.

Marathoners can complete long term goals and retain focus without straying. Maybe they don’t have any super fast periods of production, but they achieve their goals at a more consistent rate.

I am a mental sprinter. Fuck, I am a mental puppy. More than once I have found myself standing in a 7/11 holding a diet soda, and looking at the candy aisle, without even realizing I was doing it. This is not a joke. I actually had to put the soda back and bought a water I didn’t want, just so I didn’t look like a complete jack off by walking out empty handed. I couldnt handle the idea that people would think I was window shopping at 7/11. Day dreaming about peanut butter cups and old hot dogs.. tapping on the glass and swooning. In fact, even being in a 7/11 is pretty dumb. What the fuck do I ever need to be in a 7/11 for? Overpriced batteries? Sugary garbage? Soda? Terrible coffee? No, besides the cheap DVD’s, there is no reason to be inside a 7/11. This is an example of how easily distracted I am. In order to accomplish long term goals, I need a series of short term benchmarks. Something to hold my  attention.

On that note, here are my measurables

Weight: 256 lbs (Faaattttt)

Tummy (at the biggest point): 46 inches (oof… rough)

Tits: 50 ¼ inches (sweet Jesus)

Back hair: Blotchy (Myles did not do a good job shaving it.. he did not earn that $5)

Skin tone: Vanilla Latte beige with a sprinkle of cinnamon on my shoulders and tummy (delicious).

Weiner: Unimpressive but spunky, a real character actor.

I want my best friends to see my vasectomy

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20 years of failure... PART 1... aka: Locust invasion

A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for everything. This concept was brought to light in the 1950's by Julian Rotter. (You’ll need  this for later…it’s kind of the theme for this post)

Words are more nebulous than we like to admit. How do we have “facts” and “common sense” if words can be manipulated? The idea of formulaic expression is comforting, but this isn’t the reality. We all have connotations and weight that we add to certain verbiage. “Good”… “bad”… “right”…. “wrong”… all of these words have different meanings from person to person.. and each word has a different value to each person. To make this even more ridiculous, there are SO many factors that dictate the meaning of words: translations from language to language, religion, mental acuity, connotation of value… to many factors to list here.

This is an important clarification that needs to be made when laying out my views on what actually matters in terms  of weight loss. I do not believe weight related issues are a physical issue. I believe that concentrating on diet and exercise as the first steps in regaining balance in our physical condition, is counterproductive and neglects the most important factor… OUR FUCKING BRAINS. Treating an unhealthy relationship with food with diet and exercise, is like treating a cough to CURE the flu. You can’t cure an ailment by treating the symptoms. Being over, or dramatically under, weight is the manifestation of a deeper issue.

Why do you think so many people have such wildly fluctuating ups and downs? We try to address the physical body and dietary habits without addressing what caused us to formulate the existing habits. 

For me, I have discovered patterns in my life that I can no longer pretend do not exist.

1)      I allow other people’s opinions to prioritize what is important to me

2)      I don’t take the time to create definitions for myself (because it is easier... failure is free of expectation...)

3)      I concentrate more on celebrating other peoples successes, than creating my own

4)      I mask the symptoms of stress with destructive instant gratifications

                                                                                                   i.      For example… I have 4 deals going to board this month, and all 4 prospects are blowing me up hourly. Instead of tackling the issues, and finding joy in the journey, I eat bad… something delicious and filling isn’t going to demand of me. It isn’t going to judge me. I wont have to stress about it. I will just get the pleasure of whatever food I choose. I choose… I get choice… Its “get to”, not “have to”… elimination of restriction. My weight management is just another thing I fucking have to do… and setting this project and set of rules aside for a while, and allowing myself some “freedom” will release an ounce of stress, and fill it with whiskey and pizza.

5)      I joke to mask real pain. Anything  I give the definition of “humor” to, can’t hurt me.

6)      I love stock piling rage and burying it, and replacing it with humor and a smile, until I explode and want to light the world on fire

7)      I avoid facing hard issues, and instead find work a rounds, or worse yet, I recreate my own values and definitions in order to eliminate deficiencies without actually eliminating them. Clever wording and wavy value lines can create false security, false comfort.

But the problem is, none of these traits or behaviors actually eliminate the issue. They mask the symptom. However, the real issues still lives inside of us. Our personal priorities and values live inside us, and are complex as fuck. My beliefs and values and behaviors 

were crafted over months/years/decades of behaviors, and social and parental reinforcements, and geographical trends. I love how so many people believe that we have behaviors or tendencies that are strictly willed to exist, or born from our own intellect. That is one portion of what makes us who we are. Nature? Nurture? Fuck you, its both.

I don’t have all the answers to lifes issues. But I have some knowns... for instance, I am not an alcoholic, because my dad was one. I am not free from this addiction because of a conscious choice… I luckily built a default setting that made me ultra-cognizant of my alcohol related behaviors. I also realize I just as easily could have turned to alcohol to self-medicate some of the issues that arise through living through a loved one’s alcoholism. My neurosis went the positive way. Had they not, this would be another issue I needed to tackle.

The point is… we need to start by creating our own definitions, and accepting that some of our defined traits, behaviors, and tendencies are not currently being exemplified by ourselves.

1)      Define what YOU hold value in.

2)      Define what “success”, “failure”, “happy”, “sad” and “joy” mean to you.

3)      Define what “healthy” means

4)      Define “why”… why you do what you do, and face what you face

5)      Remove your sense of value from other peoples control

6)      Remove your physical presence from your sense of identity, WHILE you have a negative view of your physical presence.

7)      Define what makes you feel pride.

Once you define these things for yourself, you can begin to create and mold who you are. I often write about the feeling  I have that I could rob everyone in the gym. Just walk around taking money out of all of the pretty peoples pockets. They  don’t fucking see that I am even there… I am invisible to them. This is obviously me masking real neurosis by redefining the feeling as “humor” in my own brain, and this feeling also shows just how much I externalize my locus of control (side note: I autocorrect wants “locus” to be “locust”… and I do not want to give the impression that have, or ever had, control of grasshoppers).

I have definitions of success and failure that I outline for myself.

          1)     I want to be at a healthy weight. A weight that will allow my organs to function optimally, allow me to live longer, and ease the burden on my skeletal structure.

FAILING… I am not at a healthy weight yet.. but I am correcting this now by staying true to MY OWN definitions and standards. By holding myself to a standard I chose, I can work to correct this further

           2)   I want to reprogram my brain to default to healthy choices… when I am hungry, instinctively grab a healthy snack… basically make unhealthy foods become treats

Failing…. But notice its not capitalized. I am close on this one. I am getting more and more in touch with “why” I choose unhealthy options in the face of stress, and in turn, I am able to remove poor dietary choices from my life.

              Fix my broken brain.

Succeeding… I chose this exact wording because it drives my friend Joey crazy. He hates that I use negatively weighted terminology to define myself. I admit, this is a               dangerous habit. I have found myself in self-induced ruts. But when I say “my brain is broken”, I don’t mean I am sitting here typing this while wearing a helmet in case I randomly fall out of my chair. I mean that I have tendencies and patterns and defaults that are barriers to my success. By my on definitions and standards, I am not living up to my potential. I tell my kids every week, "you three are gifted in so many ways that you have every mental, sociological, and physical resource to do ANYTHING you want, so I will only be disappointed if you choose to do NOTHING”… I chose this wording carefully

                             “Gifted” .. all three of my kids are intelligent enough to do anything…

                             “you want”… they are passionate children who have dreams of their own that they can follow… they can define success and achievement for themselves

                             “choose to do nothing”…  if they end up passionless adults who watch life pass them by, that’s their own fucking fault. They have a head start in the race.

Why do I not hold myself to this same standard. I want to be physically gifted. I want to live a long time. I want to feel athletic. I was born with all the physical gifts to accomplish this. I was born with the mental acuity to process my emotions and accept the good and bad traits I have. “I am gifted in so many ways and I have every mental, sociological, and physical resource to do ANYTHING I want, so I will only be disappointed if I choose to do NOTHING”

           3)    Understand my own faults so that I can work to eliminate them.

SUCCESSFUL… I do not define “fault” in as negative way as I think many people do. I am mistake RIDDEN. But why are we here if we aren’t here to grow. Of course I have faults

              I am inherently lazy

              I make horrific dietary choices.

              I avoid conflict

              I have momentary bouts of external locus of control

              I make love to well and am too giving and thorough of a lover

              I have a tendency to redefine words to fit my deficiencies in behaviors.

          4)    Work hard to create joy over happiness.

                                                                                                    

I view of joy as the long term effect of contentment. The voidof sadness or depression. I view happiness as more of a fleeting feeling. You will never see me frown while I kill a large pizza and chase it with 13 miller highlifes. I feel a sense of temporary pleasure or “happiness” while I am in the moment of destruction. But my long term sense of joy is compromised. I need to replace temporary feeing of happiness due to instant gratification, with the long term joy of accomplishment. I set these definitions, and I choose if I am living up to them

Failure, success, good, bad, happy, joy… we get to define these things for ourselves.  Remember earlier in this post when I said “I don’t take the time to create definitions for myself (because it is easier... failure is free of expectation...)”… I chose the word “easier” on purpose. Is it “easier” is “failure free of expectation”… it depends on how you define these words.

                    

It is easier in the moment to cheer others success, than to work hard to overcome your perceived failures and correct your behaviors. But the long     term effects of allowing yourself to live without accomplishing the things you see as important or worthy of celebration, certainly is not easy. Those feelings permeate your psyche. I believe acceptance of under achievement (as defined by your own standards) allows it to become easier to compromise your other values, and conversely, success snowballs too. Success begets more success.

Is “failure free of expectations”? Depends on how you define expectations… WHO’S expectations? Failure leaves you free of other peoples expectations. But, fuck other people. I have met other people, and most of them are shitty. Failure creates a subconscious expectation inside of ourselves. An expectation of failure. Make no mistake.. it is not a positive thing to make it easier to fail to meet our own standards. One minute you are letting your dietary standards slip, then you are ok being passed over for a promotion, next thing you know you are smoking crack in a ditch you call home.

Take your locus of control and internalize it. Create your own standards, definitions and values. Learn what you need in order to grow and meet your standards. We have so many judgements and values we place on others... but sometimes fail to look inward and understand our own personal standards and measurements of success and failure. 

The first step of this journey should be a counselor not a trainer. The outside can't be understood without a working i Knowledge of our internal motivations and values. 

       I will end this part of the discussion with a quote from the great Monique in “Better off dead”

                     “I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.”

                             TO BE CONTINUED……

Spiderman characters. Commodore 64's. Bad high fivers

Venting my inner most demons has been fun. There is a certain amount of vulnerability with telling the whole world that you are fat, and that you understand its your own fault. I sometimes feel like I have opened myself up too much. 3 times a week I open up my brain and give guided tours, almost as if I am leading you through a museum of me..

“On the left you will see how A sexual and invisible I sometimes feel. You will especially appreciate how inferior I can appear to feel. And coming up.. you are all in for a real treat… in the next exhibit you will get a detailed retelling of the time my trainer rubbed his penis on my eyebrows.”

This being said, everything that has come from this process, has been amazing. I have long felt that we all have VERY similar neurosis and hang ups. The difference in people’s journeys has more to do with how much these issues are able to take a hold of us. I think what I have learned the most, is that there are too many body types, and mental make ups, to pigeon hole successful weight management and physical health into one system that “works best”.. growth and self-discovery are a trial and error processes. Life is not an A to B undertaking.

Throughout the last two months I have learned a lot about my own journey, and had some great highs and lows. But without question, the best part is the overwhelming number of people who have reached out to me in one form or another to chat. There are too many personal conversations and connections/reconnections for me to recount… but some of these have been more impactful than others. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love human connection. I thrive on it. I encourage everyone, and anyone who has an opinion or a comment to send it to me.

After last week’s post, a man that I played little league with messaged me with his experiences in eating right. Jeff Priester… his dad was my baseball coach when I was 7. Jeff is a physically fit man. He’s handsome, in shape, not someone you would look at and assume felt he needed to monitor his eating. But the reality is, he absolutely does need to monitor his eating behaviors. The reality is, he is just doing a better job of monitoring his eating habits than I am. He is better at assessing when he is developing habits that he sees as detrimental, and adjusting his behaviors. THAT'S EXACTLY WHERE I AM TRYING TO BE. He is exactly the person I should be talking to… he has insight into some dietary principles that have worked for him. He spoke about how he does default to making healthy choices, and his description of his relationship with food felt healthy. Less confrontational. He appears to view food as fuel and intuitively knows to make healthy choices. Everything he said, is everything I am trying to do. I feel I am just a little behind him in terms of mental abilities. My brain isn’t functioning in the way I want it to yet, and I still have some reprogramming to do before I get to where he is. As a side note, he mentioned that the last time we had spoken, was the night the Cubs won the world series, which was an amazing night for both of us. It was a great all around conversation to have.

I also reconnected with one of my oldest friends. Molly Miles (I promise this is a real person, and not a Spiderman character…). Molly and I grew up together. She is one of those people that instantly makes me smile. We were probably 3 or 4 when we first met. Every time I see her, it’s like walking out of a time machine, and I feel like I am 5 or 6 again. She even calls me “Eddie” like I am a 5 year old… and I love that she does. Molly is completing a nutrition certification course, and we had a lengthy discussion about nutrition and psychological aspects of dietary habits. It was a great excuse to reconnect with an old friend. It was interesting to hear the perspectives of a woman who had educational and emotional insight on the process of developing healthy relationships with food.

Even friends I talk to on a regular basis have opened up to me about their struggles with healthy habits. I have a friend of 20 years named… well, we will call him Shroy Shaller (he didn’t give me official permission to use his identity so I am using this clever naming convention to hide his identity). Shroy and I talk regular, and hang out when we can. He was part of my annual baseball weekend trip that I took with a group of close friends. Shroy is a former high school athlete, and had what is undoubtedly the best passing game in Jesuit High School football history… too bad he didn’t play for Jesuit (he holds the OSAA record for interceptions thrown in a game, which we remind him of pretty consistently). He also holds the record for the most impressive penis I have ever seen. He drunkenly took it out on an elevator once, and I didn’t know if I should build a house with it, or say a prayer to it… its glorious. Shroy is kind of a shit talking mans man. I didn’t expect how open and vulnerable he would be about his current physical health. He too has decided he needs to monitor his weight. He decided we should create a text chain with a few other friends of ours, and we share recipes and tips, and healthy shit we are doing. It’s been a great way to get healthy tips. Shroy is one of my favorite people, and it was kind of comforting knowing he had similar habits he was trying to form. It is fun having something like this to share with people I love. 

I also have met people that I now call friends. I wrote about Brooke from Orange Theory. Brooke is the polar opposite of me, physically. She is like a collage of healthy attractive people that was created to sell diet food. NO, WAIT, it feels as though she was created by two nerds with a commodore 64 like in “Weird Science”. She opened up about her insecurities and it was astounding to me at just how similar our neurosis are. We were two people who couldn’t be more physically different, and yet our struggles were similar. I am now going to sign up at orange theory and take her classes. It was so comforting knowing that the person kicking the shit out of me during a workout class, was doing it knowing that this is what they would need if they were in my shoes. 

I also wrote about that son of a bitch Chris. Chris and I are now... gulp... friends. He read my post. We now talk daily about workouts, and he has been a great resource for tips. He is always quick with a spot, or a kind word, or information about what to expect on my hormone therapy. I am sure that when I am finally as fit as I want to be, he'll have dumb fucking advice on how to cope with my new found handsomeness, and where to get the best spray tan, but I am not ready for that yet... I am not that level of handsome yet. I have actually come full circle on Chris. I was able to confirm how misplaced all of my anxieties and perceptions of him where. Turns out he is a pretty good dude... but a shitty high fiver. Nice guy, but he high fives like he is having a seizure. 

The list goes on and on. I would say I have had 20-30 conversations with people  in the last month alone, that I never would have had the chance to have before. Some people have had personal experiences I couldn’t relate to, but it was so rad that they felt they could open up to me. And some people have had stories so similar to mine that it was instantly bonding. I have made new friends at the gym that give me advice, as well as bounce ideas off of me. I am a whore for attention and conversation, so of course I love this. I also have found it comforting knowing what other people think. I am not arrogant enough to think I have all the answers. I love conflicting view points. Feel free to stop me and converse, send me an article you think I may enjoy, or disagree with a point I’ve made. I read all of your emails, and respond when I can. I feel as though conversation of any kind will prompt thought, and thought is how you discover answers.

Special shout out to Brian, Joey, Jess and DJ... 4 amazing trainers who have been IRREPLACEABLE to me. These 4 have worked with me at Villa.. some as trainers, and some just as friends who liked chatting with me about working out and given me advice about dietary habits. 

Hangin' tough

Juxtaposition: the fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effect.

I have very real and very conflicting theories that have been taking turns inside of my head.

-          Theory 1:  I feel very strongly that I need to remove the end goal from my sight. I need to concentrate on setting habits, and just allow myself to get to a healthy weight and lifestyle with the inevitable passage of time. If I live every day in what I deem to be a healthy manner, eventually I will be healthy. If I remove the daily goals, and pressure, I remove the feeling of failing. This will allow me remove negative aspects and pressures. Most overweight people already have so many negative associations with diet, and exercise programs, and lifestyle changes, that removing negativity should help allow us more peace of mind. This is a marathon, and not a sprint. We put so much pressure on ourselves to live up to some mental image we have of success. Outside of acute medical issues, a lot of our goals and ideals are almost arbitrarily assigned to ourselves. Treating this process as a change of patterns, and removing pressures, could replace the negative associations we have around healthy living, with positive connotations. We have our whole life to live. This needs to be a forever change… this feels more sustainable if we don’t sprint to some hypothetical finish line. I feel most of us live for cheat days, and dwell in the negativity of hitting arbitrarily and unsustainable weekly weightloss goals. For me, the number… the tangible weight… the fucking number… is the worst thing. The number becomes a living breathing entity. I can feel it hovering above me like a numerical “Great Gazoo” (for those of you under 35… the Great Gazoo was an oddly out of place invisible alien that followed Fred Flinstone around insulting him). I can hear the number whispering in my ear “Have another donut, dumb dumb”… in that doofy Great Gazoo voice.

By definition, if we set goals, we have a chance at failure. These “failures” feel like they have more of a impact on the process, than the victories do. No matter how many goals we achieve, one misstep can lead to binge eating. Maybe instead of worrying about the goal, the finish line, the daily punishment of restriction… we dwell on the day we are in. We accept that “today, I just live the best I can”. I once read that the best strategy for long term weightloss, is to map out the daily habits of someone at your goal weight, and live that way. Eventually, you will hit your goal weight. What would that look like for me? I have been almost 300lbs, and as little as 160lbs, and then back up to 290lbs in my adult life. I actually know what weight I am the most comfortable at, and feel the healthiest at. 185lbs. SO I should determine the physical activity and caloric intake of a healthy 185lbs person, and live in that manner. This prevents the wild fluctuations that can come with dieting. This is also an effective way to reset your defaults. Life patterns, played out over a long and sustained period of time, become habits. Part of the reason we fluctuate with weight, a narrative I have heard from so many people, is that they fluctuate in weight because they can only sustain a “diet” for so long. It stands to reason that if habits are seen as restrictive, or punitive, they will not be sustainable. Eventually the old, familiar, instant gratification of gluttony and sloth (my two favorite deadly sins) will come back to relieve the stress and pressure of a lifestyle that feels so daunting. It makes sense that daily goals, and constant measurement of every inch of the process, will lead to us longing for the end of what is supposed to be a forever change. Dont put too much pressure on myself for and just take each moment as it comes... strive for a healthy choice, as each choice comes. 

-          Theory 2:  The other side of this is to set daily goals. Maybe I am overweight because I cant be trusted to make healthy daily lifestyle choices? Maybe if I had the self-control to act in my own dietary best interest, I wouldn’t be in this current predicament? There is an argument to be made for goal setting. I wouldn’t use the “everything will work out in the end” approach to work. I have also lived my life under the feeling that trial and error is how we discover the most about ourselves. Failure and negative thoughts can motivate us.

I wouldn’t take a laissez-faire approach to finance, or work, or education. Why would I not apply structure to reprogramming my lifestyle patterns? Set small, achievable, and quantifiable goals, until I reach where I want to be. This will keep me on the path to health. Goal setting is an incredible method for achieving anything we want. Wake up every day and write out a list of daily accomplishments. This can be a great way to monitor yourself. Self-assess. The idea is to monitor your daily activities, and set bars to overcome, until you are at your goal. A friend of mine put this in a way that was easy to quantify… “If you are drowning, you wouldn’t just slowly meander towards shore without a goal… you would force yourself to learn to swim with a sense of urgency. Understanding the gravity of how serious obesity is, is important. A small daily “failure” is a not a negative thing.. this is how we learn what works, and what doesn’t. 

I wrote this post as a brain storm. I don’t know the answer. I kind of think the answer to which method is best, is “yes”. I don’t know that the answer isn’t nebulous. My brain has a way of dwelling in hard and fast finite resolution… until it doesn’t anymore. I think for me, the key is to stay agile and transition from method to method according to my mind frame. We all have ups and downs. Today, I feel I need goal setting. I need small tangible, measurable, goals. I need to achieve, and assess what is and isn’t working, right now. Tomorrows goals

-          Eat 1800 calories in the form of… 70% healthy fats, 25% protein, 5% carbs (only vegetable based carbs)

-          Complete the following workout

o   20 minutes of treadmill work (2 minute warm up at 3.5mph… 2 minute run at 6.5mph… repeat 5 times)

o   50 ball slams

o   Deadlift (4 sets of 10 reps at 185lbs to strengthen but preserve my back)

o   Leg press (4 sets of 10 reps at 260lbs)

o   Strict press (4 sets of 10 reps 90 lbs)

o   3, 1 minute plank holds, with 20 hanging leg lifts..

o   4 sets of cable curls and tri extensions

-          Do 20 crunches, or 20 squats between each of my 8 work calls tomorrow.

-          Play at the pool with the boys in the afternoon

-          Learn how to do the dance from the “Single Ladies” or “Hanging tough” videos

-          Weigh myself in the morning, and then set an achievable weekly % weightloss goal to check next friday

These are all easily measured, and absolutely quantifiable. Pass, or no pass… no “A” for effort, no fucking gold stars. I accomplish these goals, or I grade the day as an ‘F”, and regroup for tomorrow.

Iron Eddie K

I think that sometimes the line between insane and genius is blurred. Dismissing peoples comments, just is a lazy habit to have. So often genius can be found in interpretation of words. For instance, I have always had an infatuation with the raw power and tenacity of Mike Tyson. I appreciate greatness. And I also have the  ability to separate the art from the artist. I don’t think I would like any famous people (except Jennifer Connelly). I am not looking to my “heros” for acceptance. The relationship is a selfish one.. its purely one sided. I want them to perform their chosen task to the maxim entertainment level.

Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Nolan Ryan… Just be amazing, and then its on you to reconcile the rest of your life. Iron Mike was the most naturally powerful athlete I have ever witnessed. I don’t even care about boxing or MMA or any blood sport, but the Mike Tyson show just pulled me in. In and out of the ring, he was a spectacle. Everyone treated him like a crazy person… but was he? If you know anything about Mike, or where he came from, or the incredibly young age in which mad men got their claws into him, than it would be easy to dismiss him as a crazy person. But hes not. I really just believe Mike is a troubled and ferocious genius. There is genius in a lot of what he said…

“When you have something in life that you want to accomplish greatly, you have to be willing to give up your happiness…I’ve lost all my sensitivity as far as being embarrassed, being shy, you just have to lose that.”

This is such an underrated truth. In order to have an outcome that you want, sacrifice is involved. Prioritizing life, and deciding what holds value to you is essential.                       Part of my struggles with weight have come from my inability to make hard choices. I struggle with sacrifice. I shave the last rep off my set when no one is looking. I binge eat when no one is looking. I trim distance off of my cardio when no one is looking. I am guessing I am not alone here. The ironic thing is, sitting on the couch doesn’t make us happy. Watching TV doesn’t bring us joy. Peanut Butter cups do not enrich our lives. Wait… huh… let me think about that last one. But you get the point. Our generation has more material wealth than any generation in history. Yet we appear to be the most depressed generation in history. We have everything, and enjoy nothing. I believe true happiness comes from growth and achievement. Every step I make toward my goals brings me one step closer to acceptance of myself. That is happiness for me.

“I’m gonna make sure you talk about me, and your grandkids and kids after that gonna know about me…your great grandkids will say “wow, wasn’t that a bizarre individual?”

Never apologize for greatness. Do what you do, to the best of your ability. Be who you is. This is an incredibly endearing quote to me. This should permeate anything you care about. When I retire, I want my coworkers to tell tales of me. I want to be  talked about at parties I don’t attend.

“I just have this thing inside me that wants to eat and conquer. Maybe it’s egotistical, but I have it in me. I don’t want to be a tycoon. I just want to conquer people and their souls.”

This should be true for anything you do. I work in sales. Money motivates me, but competition motivates me more. Even when I play coed softball…. COED FUCKING SOFTBALL…. I want to win so bad it makes me uncomfortable. Never apologize for being a winner. Set your own definitions of what constitutes a “win”. My kids are amazing… I love my job… I am getting healthier by the day.. I feel I am conquering souls every day.

“I had to persevere because this was my life. This championship, this was the stuff I dreamt of all my life, and I wasn’t gonna be denied.”

                                    This one needs no qualifying. If you don’t have anything in your life you feel this way about, I pity you.

“It’s good to be successful and have financial status but if you’re only gonna live for the money, you’re only gonna reach a certain status and I’m in there for greatness and peace of mind.”

This is a great quote too. This needs to be everyone’s truth. I don’t believe money and financial success can drive people in and of themselves. I believe true success needs to come from lighting a fire inside. There is something inside all of us that needs feeding. Once we find that thing, that is what will drive us. Financial Success should be a byproduct of feeding your inner demons.

“My power is discombobulating devastating. I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It’s ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm.”

My life is pretty punch free. Both giving and receiving. But you bet your sweet ass, I walk around feeling this way more and more every day. This is my goal. Health, success, happiness… all of this is measured by a series of contests that pit me against me. When you see me walking the street, just know that this is how I feel about me. That I make the world crumble under my force. Well, not yet… but by god, I will.

“Whatever you want, especially when you’re striving to be the best in the world at something, there’ll always be disappointments, and you can’t be emotionally tied to them, cos’ they’ll break your spirit.”

This is a quote that I directly apply to my life in a conscious effort to stay focused on what matters. I tend to be outcome oriented… and I lose the joy and value of the journey. There will always be ups and downs. I will have days in which I struggle.. but I need to let them fade into the ether. Small setbacks need to stay small. Small interruptions in the path of success can easily derail the whole mission if we don’t make a concerted effort to eliminate them from our memory. Bad thoughts are like a cancer that can only be fed if we choose to feed them. Shake that shit off and make them be the exception.

“Everyone has a plan ’till they get punched in the mouth.”

This is by far my favorite quote of all time. This is pure genius, and was the impetus of why I am writing this post. My entire struggle with weight boils down to this. Any issue I have ever had in my life can be boiled down to this. We all make grandiose plans and figure out how we will get from point A to point B, and then life punches us in the mouth. Plans are great, but you cant predict everything that will happen when our plans become a real world application.

              I have a bad day at work

              I have a stressful issue with my kids

              My body gets sore

              Hunger hits

              Stress makes me panicky

These things all punch me in the mouth. They punch us all in the mouth. Its easy to draw hypothetical plans. Its easy to picture success. Its hard as fuck to realize the tangible success we dream up. Because turning dreams into reality is fucking hard. You will get punched in the mouth. The key is learning how to punch that cocksucker back in their mouth, and continue forward.          

“Y’all guys know what I do…I put people in body bags.”

                                           Huh… I think you’re starting to lose me a bit Mike. I think we need to 

                                           rein  it in a bit.                                                                                                    

“I was gonna rip his heart out. I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. No one can stop me. Lennox is a conqueror? No! He’s no Alexander! I’m Alexander! I’m the best ever. I’m Sonny Liston. I’m Jack Dempsey. There’s never been anyone like me. I’m from their cloth. There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I’m the ferocious. I want his heart! I want to eat his children! Praise be to Allah!”                                                 

                                   Fuck… Alexander? I want his heart? I want to eat his children? This isn’t what                                     I meant by “rein it in”.. .we are losing focus here homie.

“She wanted it”

                                           Alright, I am out of here. You are on your own now, Mike.