Unintended me

Not every day is good. Not every emotion during this process is healthy or motivating. I often call myself “cloyingly optimistic” but the fucking guy I saw in the mirror today did not have an optimistic expression. He looked weak. He looked small. He lacked promise. He had spent years of his life working for a goal he couldn’t achieve. I watched him grand stand about his strength while out with friends because he ate the healthiest options, only to see him eat in secret when the judgmental eyes of his support system were off of him. I have seen him eat until he felt worthless. I have listened to him come up with every excuse as to why he couldn’t increase his activity. I have heard him excuse away the wasting of his potential. I have watched him crave foods that he knew were killing him. I have watched him try to smash through barriers to his health that he easily could have stepped around.

I am not proud of him today. I am not sure I wish him well. He has every advantage, and nothing to show for it. He has information, and acts stupidly. I sometimes forget what he looks like, because he refuses to look in the mirror. A little secret, when he is unshaven, it’s because he doesn’t want to look in the mirror that day. He isn’t comfortable with the man looking back at him. I have seen him work out with his eyes closed, because the weight rooms mirrors mock him. The man watching him in the mirror, does not like him, and he knows it.

I’m told he is too hard on himself, but he is not at his goal. Is his self-loathing a mask? Does he say mean things about himself to beat others to judgement of him? Does he believe he is fooling anyone?

Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I look at my actions and patterns and feel disconnected. Like a stranger has power of attorney of my life. It isn’t an exaggeration. I have distracted myself in order to do things I knew were not in my best interest. Intellectual dishonesty makes hard things easy. Some days I don’t feel like being light hearted. I don’t feel funny today. I feel lost. Nothing even happened. I didn’t stray from building my habits. I didn’t skip the gym today. I played for hours in the pool with my kids. Nothing can explain today, other than sometimes I don’t feel like pretending I am ok with how out of control I have let myself become. The mocking tones and sideways glances I get at the gym aren’t real… I am projecting those thoughts and looks on to them. They are mirrors for my self-loathing.

I have received so many messages from people who have felt that I am too hard on myself. That I need to cut myself some slack. People are making excuses for me… as if excuses are something I have struggled to make for myself. While I appreciate  the support, and understand why people feel this, I need accountability. I don’t want to admit that I am being defeated. I don’t answer to a master that commands me to do things that hurt me. I answer to me. I need to let days like today happen, and not fight them. I need to let the feeling wash over me. Let the disappointment sink in.

I don't feel like the loser I saw in the mirror today. He is not me. He is someone I cant relate to. He has not acted in his own best interest. He has not loved himself enough to be disappointed in himself. He is silly. I don't even recognize him. I know his every move before he makes it, but I don't feel I know him at all. He is not who I intended. 

The man in the mirror today is not me. He is a man that I neglected for too long.