Because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone

I had a Homer Simpson moment yesterday. An “ah ha” moment that is painfully obvious to the audience, and yet I was failing to grasp. To be honest, I am not sure how “painfully obvious” this epiphany really is, but it feels like a pretty obvious realization. I think this revelation may be what separates fit people, from unfit people. When it hit me, I audibly muttered “no shit, dumb fuck”. I happened to be in the produce section of my local Fred Meyer (Kroger) when it happened  and I am 100% that the blue haired old woman with the “go fuck yourself frown” was unimpressed with me muttering “no shit, dumb fuck”.. but from the looks of things, she doesn’t have that many more years (days) to be upset about me cursing. She looked as though she was already dead, and she was being Weekend at Bernies’d by life. 

The epiphany begins with my second Orange Theory workout with Brooke. When I do a group workout, I go through a cycle of idiocy in my own mind.

1)      I pull up to the entrance and sit in my idling car.

2)      I dwell on the fact that I really don’t want to look stupid by sucking at the workout (all neurosis that are fabricated in my own head)

3)    I decide if I am going to be able to perform adequately, or if I will end up looking like the classes lovable mascot. 

4)      I pull away from the facility and start calling to cancel my appointment due to a made up work emergency that I am going to blame for my absence. (this is especially funny to me because last week I had to cancel due to a real work issue)

5)      I change my mind and drive back to the entrance, and sit in my idling car….

*REPEAT* (picture Cameron in his drive way in "Ferris Bueller's day off")

Once I actually commit to going inside, my demeanor instantly changes. The best way of describing this new temperament is “false bravado”. I start puffing out my chest, and cursing for no reason, and becoming overly descriptive about my inadequacies… basically acting impervious to opinion (building a mask of confidence to hide my insecurity). This session at Orange Theory was no different. I had gone through the cycle of idiocy, finally decided to go inside, and was walking around the place like a prize fighter. Once class started, I didn’t deflate the room… I put a tough guy face on, and kind of half stretch while staring down all the dudes… I am such a jack hole when I act like this.. its everything I hate. When class sets to begin, I choose people in class to unwittingly be my points of motivation. The first time I went to Orange Theory I happened to run into a woman I know, and she is a total bad ass. She  set up on the equipment next to me, and successfully pushed me to perform my best. I actually think she knew I was mirroring her, or trying to keep pace… it felt like we were in cahoots. It was important to both of us that I do well. SOLIDARITY!! 

This time I chose two people.. the tall handsome dude with abs you could see through his t shirt, and a pretty younger woman with a rippled back to be my unwitting motivation. At Orange Theory the class is split into two groups. One does a cardio weight circuit while the other group does intervals on the row machines and/or treadmill, and then we switch. My two motivational tools were split perfectly. Dreamy McTallguy was in my grouping, and Pretty McChizzledBack was in the other group. Within 2 minutes, I knew I maybe had chosen poorly. Dreamy was flying through the workout like a god damn machine, and Pretty was handling the row machine like a born coxswain. I did my best to keep pace, but slowly and surely fell further and further behind. 

By the end of class, I was in last place. By the way, this is a placing system I totally invented. If Brooke is reading this, she probably thought “what the fuck is he talking about, we don’t slot the athletes”. But I do. I notice my performance. I was the last person to finish my last rep. However, I am 0% unhappy about this. As I surveyed the room at the end of the workout, I saw 25 men and women who had worked hard to be great at yesterdays workout. Their great performance in yesterdays workout, was the result of years of work. I am not arrogant enough to strip this accomplishment away with assumptions that I should have outperformed them. I was happy to finish. I burned 1313 calories in that hour. That’s a win under any metric. But I like to motivate myself with competition. I don't shit talk. I don't grand stand when my performance is stronger than someone else... I just like the boost I get from perceived competition. 

Before I left class I chatted with Brooke for a bit. She mentioned that while my legs would undoubtedly be wobbly and sore right away, Orange Theory is designed to keep your metabolism working throughout the day, as well as meant to keep your body feeling “pushed” for longer periods. The whole idea is to make your body have positive effects that continue between workouts. She warned me to drink plenty of water, and stay active, so I didn’t cramp up... she gave me amazing tips for easy activities that I should be doing in between workouts in order to keep my body loose. For some reason, the words that were echoing in my head were "designed to keep impacting you for the next few days after your workout". I couldn’t place my finger on why, but for some reason, this resonated with me.

After I left Orange Theory, I sat in my car texting my buddies about class. We were contemplating the science behind Orange Theory and how the “splat points” map our heart health and ability to have lasting benefits from class (actually, we spent 20 minutes trying to outdo each other as to who could make the funniest masturbation pun based around the term “splat points”.. but I don’t want you all to know how juvenile we are, so I won’t tell you this). Once the meeting of the minds was over, I started thinking about something my trainer friend Joey said about eating right. He spoke about the “other 23 hours”… what he was referencing was how when we give in to temptation and binge eat, we feel temporary relief for an hour or so, but then pay the price physically for the other 23 hours of the day. However, when we workout we feel uncomfortable or sore for an hour, and our body feels the reward for the other 23 hours. He spoke about how our health related activities should be designed to improve your quality of life. Health is not JUST about the time you spend actively engaged in workouts or meals, but it about how you feel all day. 

This is where the Homer Simpson moment happened. I arrived at Fred Meyer to shop for healthy ingredients and the words from both of these conversations were swirling in a storm of non-comprehension in my brain. It felt like one of those scenes from adult oriented cartoons where the protagonist ponders a point for a long time, with the desired effect being frustration for the audience. Their words were swirling...  

“Orange Theory is designed to maximize the health effects of the workout even while you aren’t working out”

“Don’t eat to satisfy an hour of craving…. Eat to feel healthy all day”

“Make your hour of struggle productive enough to make the other 23 hours of the day feel better”

I could hear the frustration of the audience growing. People at home saying “Jesus dummy! It is so obvious”. And that’s when it hit me… I am still treating healthy living as a fucking novelty!!!! I am a tourist in the world of healthy living. I workout. I eat well. But between gym sessions, I am basically a slug. One hour of working out, isn’t a “healthy lifestyle”… its treating health like a tourist attraction. I show up and workout for an hour, and then spend 23 hours telling people about it. I should be chasing kids. I should  be working on my car. I need to spend more time moving around. Health has a compound effect. Being more active in general will help my body stay younger feeling, and help it work better. My workouts will hurt less if I am able to build up my body in between workouts. Workouts need to be PART of healthy living, not the entirety of what I consider healthy living.

Physical activity needs to be the rule, not the exception. Healthy living needs to be the rule, not the exception. I need to reside in healthy living, not visiting. I have had very vocal reservations about Keto for this reason. This isn’t my forever. The whole point of keto for me, was to race to thin, and then adjust my diet once I got to the weight  I wanted. his feels like a tourist mentality. I know some people who do keto and feel amazing all the time, and it is their base dietary habit… but this was never my attention. My body feels ok while on keto, but I have noticed a few effects that I haven’t liked. Also, I have been taking Yosemite Sam style bm’s for the last month. Holy shit! My biscuits are burning!!! I am going to transition to a lean and green diet. Lean proteins, tons of veggies, no grains or sugar. The fat from the keto appears to be destroying my gut, and leafy greens always make my body feel so good. I also am going to mix up my workouts more. Some weight lifting, some Orange Theory, some random activity mixed in through out the day. I also find that my fitbit keeps me motivated to be more active in general. I love chasing the footstep benchmark. I also tend to get competitive against inanimate objects… when that dumb bastard of a watch tells me to get up and move, I can feel my blood boil. How dare you ridicule me, fitbit!!!! I need to make being healthy an hour to hour process, and not a day to day process. 

And just to close the loop and not leave you guessing. The winning “splat point joke” was mine… “32 splat points in an hour, sounds like every one of my Saturday nights in high school”