My doctor needs a sense of humor

Part of getting in shape should include doctor visits. God damn does this last statement make me feel old. No person under 35 has ever started a process like this with that statement. You know who visits a doctor just because they have decided to start a physically exerting training process? Your dad’s friend who always wears white tennis shoes with tucked in polos… that’s who decides to go to the doctor before a workout program. I need to start calling my kid’s friends “champ” and drinking Folgers crystals. But I am 40. 40 year old dudes die for no reason. Fat 40 year old dudes are basically playing on borrowed time. Plus, I have a new doctor, so I may be in line for an extra prostate exam… fingers crossed!!

All kidding aside. I have had the hunch that something is wrong with me for some time. I think all fat people secretly want something to be wrong. A reason for being fat. I should sell t shirts that say “I have a thyroid issue”.. or “its glandular”.. most the time, when you hear someone say this, they are full of crap. Your thyroid issue didn't require you to eat 1000 CC’s of donut hole. Your glandular issue didn’t cause you to eat a large pizza as a snack. In my experience, most of us have weight issues because of behaviors. But as we get old, I see that more and more often, these physical issues really are the cause of weight issues. Some of my best friends have thyroid issues. Absolutely, all people should get checked out and make sure their bodies are working fine. I get the oil changed in my car every 3 months, and have a mechanic look over my belts and hoses.. why do I only get my belts and hose checked in an emergency. Living with a thyroid issue, or some correctable imbalance is unnecessary, and drastically effects your quality of life.

My favorite part of any new doctor visit is when they inevitably try to “scare me straight”. It never fails, they love to take my blood, and run tests. The idea being that when my cholesterol, blood sugar, liver enzyme, and other scores come back, they will be awful. The doctor can then use these scores as my own personal call to action. “Ed, you’re going to die if you don’t lose weight”. However, I do work out a ton. I do eat well for the most part. My current condition has not made sense to me. But because I do have good behaviors, my scores are always amazing (I included a pic of my stats to this post). So I love the look on my doctors face when I can see that their plan backfired. The look of “your scores are good, but I assure you, you are still too fat. There needs to be less people where you are obviously way to much people” (I believe when your weight passes certain points, you become plural. I am not a person. I am a people).

This time when I received my scores, I stopped and thought, “wait, if my behaviors have led to good vital stats, why do I struggle so much to lose weight”. My doctor actually agreed. He didn’t play me off as another doughy bastard grasping at any cause of my weight issues that could deflect responsibility from my own behaviors. My doctor felt something wasn’t adding up, and he ordered tests on my thyroid, and hormone levels. Sure enough, while my thyroid was fine… my testosterone was at ¼ of what is considered normal. Let’s be clear, I need to do an inventory of my diet and exercise programs as well. The low T alone probably hasn’t led to all of my issues. But there is no question that low T, this low, has most likely played a big role. We will soon find out how big a role.

So now, I am happy to say, I am a steroid user. Technically speaking, I am on testosterone replacement therapy. I am supplementing my diminishing testosterone levels, which is akin to someone taking meds to regulate their thyroid issues, or any other imbalance.

Side effects of low T include:

-          Decreased energy

-          Depression

-          Increased body fat reserves

-          Decreased libido

-          Significantly Increased risk for heart disease, some forms of cancer, osteoporosis, and even diabetes.

So it was a no brainer. I need testosterone, and I need the juice, NOW. Shoot me up, bitch (helpful hint, saying this to a doctor may cause them to decide to lecture you on “responsible medicine usage”)

Then my doctor read me the possible side effects of testosterone replacement therapy.

-          Oily skin

-          Stimulated prostate

-          Gynecomastia (boobs)

-          Prolonged erections.

-          Testicular atrophy

This created a ton of questions I needed to ask my doctor

1)      Will I get ‘roid rage?

2)      Will I just get super buff?

3)      Do I get backne?

My doctor stopped me here and said quietly, as he dropped his head in disgust, “I don’t think you understand what is happening here”.

But I ABSOLUTELY understood… “I am going to be running around town, super trim, oiled up skin, fully aroused for long periods of time for absolutely no reason, screaming at innocent bystanders, all while sporting the most glorious full perky breasts in town. I can’t fucking wait!!!! I am euphoric.”

He didn’t seem to enjoy this response. I give him a world of credit though. He simply went on to explain that if I am the small percent of people who grow cans (I can’t remember what he called them.. breasts, cans, boobs…), we have ways of correcting that with minor tweaks to your prescription. Whatever. Fat dudes have boobs too. I am sure we can fix this, I won’t worry about it. At this point I decided I needed to play ball and act right.. my doctor had no time for my nonsense. He said the most likely side effect was that I will find I get unexplained, and poorly timed erections. Side effect? Doctor, you have a wild misconception of who I am. Sounds more like my bday wish came true, and less like a side effect. Is there a “poorly timed erection”.. spoiler alert: Nope! He said “there are also ways of correcting this”. Settle down Doc, I experienced 7^th grade.. the answer for handling “poorly timed erections”, awkwardly strategically placed trapper keepers.

As for testicular atrophy… good! I am over having those things. I sit on them at least once a day. Even a minor graze hurts worse than a gunshot wound. I hope they do shrink. Good riddance to bad rubbish. These things are a nightmare. 

I began my injections following some more tests to make sure I was healthy enough to begin testosterone replacement. I am now 1 month into therapy, and no change yet. Apparently it takes 6-12 weeks before the benefits start to kick in. My doctor said, “this may feel like a long wait for the meds to start working for you, but this issue didn’t happen overnight. You have probably been dealing with low T for years. Instead of thinking about this as you waiting 6-12 weeks for your meds to take effect, just be happy you won’t spend another 5-10 years spinning your wheels fighting a battle that may have been unwinnable”. He’s right. Thank god I decided to start this process with a doctor’s visit. I have no idea how much of my struggle can be attributed to low T… but my doctor is confident I will see major changes with testosterone replacement.