Better class of "likes to be naked guy"

I know the idea of “naked” in the title of something I am writing is nerve racking. Anyone who knows me probably opened this link with one eye closed in apprehensive dismay. But “likes to be naked guy” isn’t a reference to me. “Likes to be naked guy” is bigger than just me. He exists at every gym in the country. “Likes to be naked guy” is more of an idea, than it is a person. “Likes to be naked guy” is the guy in the locker room who lingers, chats, and frolics around the locker room completely naked from head to toe. I am no prude. Notice I didn’t even approach this topic in a negative light. Likes to be naked guy is better than you or I. Freer. To all of you judgers out there, put down your gavels. There are two types of people when it comes to locker rooms… how do I put this politely.. those who keep their animal leashed, and those who let their animal roam free. Neither are wrong.. it’s really just a personal decision based on your animal’s needs.

In my experience, most “likes to be naked guys” are between 50-75 years old. Of course some are younger, and some are more gratuitous, but for the most part “Likes to be naked guy” is just a free spirited guy who is too old to give a damn about covering up. Now, their nudity doesn’t feel like a relevant topic of conversation on the surface. It’s a damn locker room.. it’s a room full of people changing. This is different however. “Likes to be naked guy” doesn’t just modestly change his clothes at his locker. Hell, he isn’t even the guy that strips at his locker, and then struts nude to the shower. “Likes to be naked guy” takes it to a whole new level. If this was like the “Family Circus” comic strip in the Sunday funnies, and you could see a little serrated line showing his path, the path would wander in and out of every locker bay, it would show him stopping at the mirror to pick something from his teeth (with his piece resting on the edge of the sink mind you), it would show him wandering in circles over by the showers, and show where he stopped to bend over to pick things up off the floor… scraps of paper and such.. what a wonderful little helper he is.

While a nude frolicker isn’t something I generally care about, good or bad, something happened today that reminded me of the previous gym I was a member of. See, I belong to gyms that are actually health clubs. I pay a little more for my gym experience, because I care about the amenities. My current club has a hot tub, and adults only pool, and a bar, and a higher class of “likes to be naked guy”. The  difference between the “likes to be naked guy” at my club and the one at a cheaper gym is the same as the difference between a Mercedes and Honda. Both are great, but the “likes to be naked guy” at my gym is just a sleeker, sporty, maybe a few more bells and whistles.

So flash back to 3-4 years ago, at my past club. At every club I go to, I like to choose a locker near the seating area in the locker room. I like to listen to whatever sporting event is on the locker room TV while I get dressed. This particular day.. damn, I remember it like it was yesterday.. I was listening to the Masters. I love golf, but not enough to skip activities I love in order to watch, just enough that when its on I like to look and see how its going. I wasn’t able to get in a locker bay where I could see the TV, but I could hear it from where I was. I don’t remember who was setting up to putt, but I distinctly remember leaning over to hear the crowd’s reaction as the putt was being struck, and just then the TV channel started flipping. I was a bit annoyed, but no big deal… until I heard the channel come to rest on Saturday morning Sports Center… whoa whoa whoa, did someone really just flip the channel from live sports to sports highlights? WTF! Besides, it was 2013 or 2014… pick up your phone and google the score you want to see.

At this point I was wrapping up my routine, and getting ready to leave, and I decided to look and see who was flipping channels. Just curious. When I walked around the corner, there holding the remote was a completely nude man. “Likes to be naked guy” had officially toed the line between adorable scamp and borderline creeper. I cant even watch TV nude in my own home, let alone stand naked nonchalantly flipping channels. I take it back... nothing done while holding community property (the remote) with your hog out is “nonchalant”… its chalanter than a mother fucker. This was an unsettling feeling to me. I have a pretty strict “don’t put your dong on things I like to use” policy (I say “pretty strict” because no policy can be a complete blanket statement). But I am not an aggressive asshole. I am a passive aggressive coward. I would never confront someone to their face and judge their behavior… I would just anonymously blow them up on the internet 4 years later, like a man. But it gets worse. Before I left, I had to use the restroom. As I was preparing to leave after peeing, I had to walk back past the sitting area, and “likes to be naked guy” was now sitting bare assed on a soft cloth covered arm chair. That’s right, he had his bare testicles, and bhole on a soft cloth chair that he didn’t own. Although as far as I am concerned, that is now his chair. Forever. His chair. To make it worse, the remote was also resting in his lap. And to make it yet even MORE awful… he was wearing flip flops. That’s right, he was more concerned with peoples germs getting on his feet, than he was about smearing his penis on things we all use.

Fast forward back to today. My current gym has a few “Likes to be named guys”… all of which are nice guys. Totally respectful and polite. However, I have slowly but surely alienated myself with all of them. My PTSD over testicle-gate has created a scenario where I feel compelled to watch every move they make. I don’t want to reach over to grab a Q-tip only to find out later it had balls on it. But while “likes to be naked guy” tends toward the aloof side, they usually notice the giant dude following them around the locker room closely examining their every move. Its only a matter of time until one of the women in the front office of the club have to pull me aside to lecture me about harassing naked dudes in the locker room.